Farewell for a Moment

Alas, this week the battery in my laptop bit the dust.
And I have been working on a lovely blog too.
I have so much I want to write about, but for a moment I must take time out to finish my internship. I will be finishing in the middle of June and most likely will not write until that time, due to the battery situation with my laptop.

My heart is bursting with lessons learned and revelation received! However, between the interns new schedule, the homework required this term, and less than a day for personal time, borrowing someone else's laptop will be a luxury reserved for papers that are due and assignments that are required.

Thank you for being such faithful readers! You have made a dream come true! I have always wanted to write things that cause people to think, change their perspective, or enlighten their journey through life. I hope when I pick back up in June (or for the surprise one liners until then) you will tune back in to my journey as I share through the written word.

Farewell for a moment, fellow mystics, until then.

Not Quite What it Seems

I keep thinking of how to share the Creator's latest act of faithfulness in my life.

I needed a minimum of $2600 by April 1st to be able to stay in the internship with a total of $5000 owed up to date. Monday afternoon someone called the school and made an anonymous donation of $5000 towards my bill.

I can write beautiful words to paint a picture of the depth of anguish my soul was facing in going home and the height of ecstasy and peace I encountered when all my fears were relieved. Yet it's not enough.

I have thought for 3 days how I should blog this past experience out. To use words to express height and depth of emotion and experience. I have thought and pondered and simply come to the realization of the fact that until the experience is real in your own lives, my experience cannot be fully understood.

All day Monday it was as if I was in mourning. I began crying when I awoke and did not stop for the duration of the day. I am not particularly inclined to be an emotionally unstable person. While I have found crying helps me to fully embrace an emotion I usually have a good one, work through the mental battle, and then simply move on. Monday was NOT one of those days. I have never experienced anything like it before. I was broken and dying on the inside. I can see how when people are faced with losing their dreams, they simply die on the inside. Life is over for them for life has no more purpose it holds no more reason to get up every morning. But one thing kept me from completely losing myself in the sorrow.

His promises.

I began to embrace my circumstances as my reality, when in fact, they were only circumstances. The reality was that the Creator had called me here, he would move heaven and earth to keep me here. I fought in a very real and overwhelming way an intense battle of the mind. I kept hearing that I wasn't good enough, I had missed it, and God was not going to provide. However, this is not what the Creator had been telling me. If you don't have a bible, I encourage you to go find one and read the book of Ruth. Pay attention to chapter 3. At the end of chapter 3 Naomi tells Ruth that Boaz will not let the day end without the matter being settled. That was God's promise to me. He would be my Boaz and he would take care of things for me.

That, I suppose, is what it means to be taken care of. Rescued. Delighted in.

That is why he waits for me. To rescue me. Delight in me. Provide for me. This is what he desires for all those who walk the face of the earth. However, each person has their own journey in this. That is why I can write beautiful words to express height and depth of emotion and experience and you read it like a nice little story. Because

the Creator MUST be experienced ON YOUR OWN.

Until that time the faith I have chosen to profess just isn't quite what it seems because it was intended to be walked out in experience and encounter with the living God, the One who loves us the most. So, in my prayer for those who read this, if the journey gets rocky and rough, run to Jesus. There is no end to his goodness and his patience in waiting for us to let him in. And when you feel as if you are dying on the inside, know it is the process of separating within us who we think we are from who we are created to be.

More than anything I want to believe him and to be able to come to that place my reality has to change. I need a paradigm shift from thinking my circumstances are my reality to knowing that everything isn't quite what it seems, because his hand is always at work.