Not Quite What it Seems

I keep thinking of how to share the Creator's latest act of faithfulness in my life.

I needed a minimum of $2600 by April 1st to be able to stay in the internship with a total of $5000 owed up to date. Monday afternoon someone called the school and made an anonymous donation of $5000 towards my bill.

I can write beautiful words to paint a picture of the depth of anguish my soul was facing in going home and the height of ecstasy and peace I encountered when all my fears were relieved. Yet it's not enough.

I have thought for 3 days how I should blog this past experience out. To use words to express height and depth of emotion and experience. I have thought and pondered and simply come to the realization of the fact that until the experience is real in your own lives, my experience cannot be fully understood.

All day Monday it was as if I was in mourning. I began crying when I awoke and did not stop for the duration of the day. I am not particularly inclined to be an emotionally unstable person. While I have found crying helps me to fully embrace an emotion I usually have a good one, work through the mental battle, and then simply move on. Monday was NOT one of those days. I have never experienced anything like it before. I was broken and dying on the inside. I can see how when people are faced with losing their dreams, they simply die on the inside. Life is over for them for life has no more purpose it holds no more reason to get up every morning. But one thing kept me from completely losing myself in the sorrow.

His promises.

I began to embrace my circumstances as my reality, when in fact, they were only circumstances. The reality was that the Creator had called me here, he would move heaven and earth to keep me here. I fought in a very real and overwhelming way an intense battle of the mind. I kept hearing that I wasn't good enough, I had missed it, and God was not going to provide. However, this is not what the Creator had been telling me. If you don't have a bible, I encourage you to go find one and read the book of Ruth. Pay attention to chapter 3. At the end of chapter 3 Naomi tells Ruth that Boaz will not let the day end without the matter being settled. That was God's promise to me. He would be my Boaz and he would take care of things for me.

That, I suppose, is what it means to be taken care of. Rescued. Delighted in.

That is why he waits for me. To rescue me. Delight in me. Provide for me. This is what he desires for all those who walk the face of the earth. However, each person has their own journey in this. That is why I can write beautiful words to express height and depth of emotion and experience and you read it like a nice little story. Because

the Creator MUST be experienced ON YOUR OWN.

Until that time the faith I have chosen to profess just isn't quite what it seems because it was intended to be walked out in experience and encounter with the living God, the One who loves us the most. So, in my prayer for those who read this, if the journey gets rocky and rough, run to Jesus. There is no end to his goodness and his patience in waiting for us to let him in. And when you feel as if you are dying on the inside, know it is the process of separating within us who we think we are from who we are created to be.

More than anything I want to believe him and to be able to come to that place my reality has to change. I need a paradigm shift from thinking my circumstances are my reality to knowing that everything isn't quite what it seems, because his hand is always at work.

The Luxury of a Desert

I know I haven't written in a bit. Sorry. When I started out on this journey of experiencing the mystical side of my chosen faith I had some idea of what I would walk through, but no real clear understanding. Over the past two months of not blogging I have walked through some things where I am having to choose whether or not to share openly about my experiences.

This is why the desert fathers' hung out in the desert, because their experiences were so personal, so profound, they didn't want to share. They simply wanted to hang out in the desert alone and have more experiences. So do I. However, I do not have the luxury of a desert or the calling to go find one.

So I have chosen to share what I can communicate with words.

I am learning that walking out a mystical lifestyle which encounters the supernatural side of my faith requires constant positioning of the heart. I recently learned that every process I go through is simply a situation that has been designed to position my heart where it needs to be to hear and receive the fullness of what God has for me.

Every situation.

Then someone shared with me that if this is truly the case, then I have the opportunity to position my heart without going through the situations.

So, I have been busy positioning my heart. I am rearranging my finances. I am changing my mindsets and asking the questions I didn't want answers to.

Then God began to show me how he views me.

Did you know that he waits for us? He doesn't violate us by coming in and taking over. If I have a wall between me and him, then he waits for me to move it.

He waits for me.

I don't think I have ever been waited for. He is sitting patiently on the other side of all of this junk waiting for me to remove it so he can be for me what I cannot be for myself. I have found that I hold him at a distance for fear that he will leave me, when all he has done my whole life is patiently wait. Just for me.

I have also found that in positioning my heart to receive from God in every way, I can and have, come to the end of myself. I can do nothing else to advance myself in my own life. I fully expect that the One who loves me most is my answer and will explode on me here shortly. And I fully expect to come to this time once again, where I have reached the end of myself.

This is the part where I am learning to be rescued. I reach the end of myself and find that I am not enough. I never have been and never will be enough to propel myself into the destiny the Creator has for me. I have to be rescued from myself. From thinking I can do it on my own and that everything will be fine if I can just 'fix it'. I need him. In a very desperate way. And in return, he loves me in a very desperate way.

I am about to be rescued by the One who loves me most.

If I could share anything with you that can take many a lifetime to learn, it would be, to let Jesus in to rescue you from yourself. It is not an intelligent decision in which information sets our intellect at ease. It is a spiritual encounter in which we expose our deepest fears and greatest dreams and we allow the breath of heaven to wash away the fears and explode life into the dreams. It is a journey that takes a lifetime to walk and gives us a destiny to fulfill. It is the hope of Jesus Christ made manifest through his people.

Death's Cold Blow

The day after I chose to die I woke up totally numb emotionally, which is rather rare being an incredibly sensitive person. I couldn't feel a thing. It was as if I was lying on my back on the bottom of a lake. It was murky and there was a consistent constant pressure all around me. This is how it felt even while spending time with God. I flipped through my bible and began to read what I had underlined in the past and this is what stood out to me. (PS. 62:5-6; 66:16-20; 68:12&20)

Let all that I am wait quietly before God for my hope is in Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation my fortress where I will not be shaken.

Come and listen all you who fear God and I will tell you what He did for me!

For I cried out to Him for help, praising Him as I spoke. If I had not confessed the sin in my heart the Lord would not have listened.

But God DID listen!! He paid attention to my prayer!!

Praise God who did not ignore my prayer or withdraw His unfailing love from me. Enemy kings and their armies flee, while the women of Israel divide the plunder.

Our God is a God who saves!! The sovereign Lord rescues us from death!!

At the end of the day I got what I needed to stay in my missions program. It was like watching someone gasp for air. I was raised from the bottom of the lake and life breathed into me once again. While it was a complete relief to know I was staying and God wanted me here, the battle is not over. I am still on the front lines pushing through to see others be at the very place I just came from.

And I am still pushing through to stay. I have enough for February and I am fighting to stay for the following 5 months. It helps knowing God wants me here. So here I will stay. Because Jesus is in the resurrection business and He resurrected me AND my dreams.

Open Heart Surgery

Lament: to grieve, wail, weep, moan.

I discovered dreams recently that I have held in my heart for quite sometime. In the process of positioning myself for God to provide for me to stay in my missions program, those dreams are very exposed. And I have realized something.

I don't trust God with my dreams.

I am afraid that I won't raise the $1350 monthly support I need in the next 2 days and my heart I so vulnerably and blindly placed in God's hand will experience a violence only death is familiar with. I so eagerly sought out dreams I didn't know I had only to discover if I trust God with them, He might take them away.

So here I am in the ER with my heart open and exposed to the One Who Loves me most. And I have a choice. I can trust Him with my dreams or I can try and do it on my own.

As much as I want to do things on my own and make my dreams happen, I know that if dreams die in that situation, they get buried and stay dead.

If. If I choose to trust these fragile dreams to the One Who Loves me most, He has the option of deciding when and where they happen. But I know that if my dreams die in this situation, they have a better chance of being raised from the dead looking better then ever. Because that is what Jesus does, ladies and gentlemen, He raises the dead.

Anything that is dead. Dreams, people, idea's, hope, love, and faith.

I spoke with my mom in the middle of my lament about this open heart surgery. The wise one said this. A vision must die like a seed before it can grow. So just die already. Die. Get it over with because then you can be resurrected. Because Jesus is in the resurrection business.

I have flat lined in that ER room. I am dying and my dreams are dying with me. I am choosing to believe that the One Who Loves me most is going to save me. Even if I am having trouble trusting Him with the desires of my heart.

Farewell dear friends. May I see you on the other side of dying dreams.

Upon Waking

In the culture my faith creates around me dreaming is encouraged greatly. Where you believe there are no impossibilities because of the One you believe in. So I have dreamed many dreams.
Big ones. Impossible for myself to accomplish. Long and hard the tales I have weaved in my mind of all the things I desire to do.

And I have heard that these dreams will soon become reality. Soon.

So this is where I find myself. Waking from sleep where I have dreamed deeply. Upon waking I am in this awkward transition of struggling to determine where my dream has ended and where my reality begins.

Then it dawns on me. This is what the God I serve is all about. He created me and many of the dreams I have He has placed in my heart. When I submit those dreams to Him, He perfects them and then helps me to accomplish all the dreams He has placed in me.

I am waking up and finding the dreams I have spent years praying over and working towards are not dreams any more. They are realities within reach.

Upon waking I find my dreams are becoming my realities when I walk with the One Who Loves me most.

Partnering with the Creator

This journey I am on to understanding the faith I so valiantly profess has been a long one marked with sacrifice, challenges, heartaches, and sweet, sweet revelations of the One the Who Loves me the Most. One of the most recent revelations has been one of the most challenging. Paul said, show me your faith without deeds and I will show you my faith by what I do. And therein lies one of the biggest paradox's of following Jesus. We cannot earn our grace because it is a gift, yet if we are under grace our works will prove it.

I have always been one to be independent and make things work on my own. I am learning that this is not the way of the One Who Loves me Most. I am not supposed to learn how to deal, cope, or make it through. I am supposed to run to Him in everything as if He were my only hope, because, after all, He is.

When I left on this journey in August I left my family, friends, job, home, and the only country I knew. I was assured through many different ways that this is what God wanted. Now I find myself in a financial pickle. Expecting God to provide for what two jobs were covering.

I, in no way, have my life together as I would like. I came to this place letting Jesus know, that while I was being obedient to His call, I wanted to take care of some financial obligations at home with a one year interim between the call and my active obedience. He still said go. One thing I have learned is that when God says go, it doesn't matter what state your bank account, love life, or health is in, you pick up and go. So I did.

In the past three months as I have sought to raise financial support like a missionary, I have found why it is so difficult to be one. I have labored in prayer, repentance, and humility in what I should do to raise a financial support team who wants to join me on this journey and help me realize God's heart to so many people.

Over this holiday break I was asked to seek God for a strategy to raise the money I am in need of to stay in the missions program I am currently enrolled in. I was devastated. My mind began to race trying to come up with an answer I hadn't already concluded.

Then it hit me.

God isn't sitting on His throne in heaven waiting for me to come up with some fantastic plan on my own, in my own strength and in my own striving. He is sitting right next to me eagerly awaiting my request to know what His plan is. He has a plan and within that plan everything I need and more will be provided for me. And it's not something I have to beat myself over the head for. I simply be still and know He is God. He is exactly who He says He is.

He is my provider. The One Who Loves me Most. The One Who Loves me in such extravagance that He wants to give me more then just what I need. He wants to take care of me. Above and beyond my hopes and dreams.

So I stopped striving and I started waiting. I am still waiting and listening for His strategy. But I am no longer under any stress or pressure, because I am not working alone. I simply take the hand of the One Who Created the Universe and He shows me the way.

And then my life is together. Like never before.
Because I fell apart at His feet knowing He is my only hope.

Traveling for the Holidays

I am experiencing many firsts this Christmas. First time away from home. First time to ride a bus. First time to see snow in the month of December. I am nervous and excited all at once. I knew leaving the Institute for Spiritual Development that while I would not have class, that I still had lessons to learn about my faith.

On the bus ride to my destination I was able to stare out giant windows at snow kissed mountains and sculptures of once flowing waterfalls. Following the winding highway brought us in and out of white frosted pines and semi-iced creeks and rivers. As I gazed at the fog hovering over the mountains I was sure that as we passed through a pocket of this mystical fog I would be instantly transported to another dimension. Suddenly, I was.

If you can imagine Narnia right after Aslan had come and the ice had started to melt. Between rushing waters and ice glazed rock faces I found myself longing to be the elvin princess in Lord of the Rings. Even Princesses have lessons to learn.

This princess already knows the lessons she has to learn over break. I have to learn how to receive and how to be taken care of. Now I am sure most of you would wonder why I have such an issue with these two things. Surely it can't be that difficult. However, for quite some time I have found my safety and security in not being in a position to need anyone. Both lessons require involvement of another person. Both lessons give me a perfect understanding of how much I need my Creator.

It sure has been easy to learn how to get along on my own. To work and make money. To have the sweet illusion that I am in control. ha ha Sweet, sweet illusion.

I am not in control. I cannot take care of myself. I need other people. I need to receive from them and be taken care of by them. Which puts me in a very vulnerable place. My heart has been broken there before. More than once. Yet here I am again. Learning to live in this place of vulnerability and need. A Princess in need. Not helpless and incapable, but having a strength in realizing that she cannot do it on her own. I cannot do it on my own.

That is my lesson over this holiday. As I have traveled to this beautiful place where mystical stories lay just beyond the next bend, I am determined to learn my spiritual lessons for this season.