Boxes

Boxes are fantastic things really. They keep our 'stuff' organized, make our lives more 'simple', and it is easy to label them. That way we know EXACTLY what we will find when we open them up.

Boxes are fantastic things. Unless you put something in a box that wasn't intended to be in a box.

Like God.

He doesn't really like the box either. Most of us (including me) claim that we don't put Him in a box.
I mean, He's God right? I can't put God in a box!
But then I ask myself when the last time was I healed a sick person, cast out a demon, drank poison and didn't die? Mark 16 does say these signs will FOLLOW those who BELIEVE.

So maybe I did put Him in a box.

I think this is where things get just a little screwy. I think I have Him organized, simple, and labeled.
And He smiles at me and chuckles.

Then I open my labeled box and something comes out that WAS NOT ON THE LABEL!
In fact, so many things come out of the box, my concern is no longer what is coming out, but how much is coming out. ALL of THAT could ABSOLUTELY NOT fit into that box!

It's like a Mary Poppins convention inside that screwy little God box.

Because the box I put God in doesn't change who He is, it simply changes my perspective of who He is. I organize revival by what I know(which isn't much), simplify Him to what I understand(which is finite), and only believe what the label says on the outside (which I made).
The only problem with this box, is that I made it.

I organized Him. I simplified Him. I labeled Him.

So I am thinking that the problem with this little box is this: God fits in there just fine.

He's started a revolution inside that little sucker.
But because I made it and carry it around, I can't actually fit inside that box.

Now why on earth would I want to fit inside that screwy little box?
Because that's where ALL of the FUN God-stuff is happening.

Like . . .

Being with The One Who Loves YOU!
Encounters with the LIVING GOD
Freedom to be who I really am
Holy Spirit AWESOMENESS
Interaction with those who have been ordered to guard us and keep us from falling (Ps. 91:11-12), the winds which are messengers, and servants who are fire (Heb. 1:7).
Clearing out hospitals because everyone is well
Jail houses emptying out because of no more crime
Getting new idea's that have NEVER been seen
Receiving creative insight for my job
No more child abuse
No more divorces
No more broken people who have no hope.

Wow. That's quite a bit to stick inside a box I don't even fit into.

So . . .

I am getting rid of my little box because I can't fit inside of it.

And if I can't fit inside of it, then how am I going to share it with someone else?

Farewell for a Moment

Alas, this week the battery in my laptop bit the dust.
And I have been working on a lovely blog too.
I have so much I want to write about, but for a moment I must take time out to finish my internship. I will be finishing in the middle of June and most likely will not write until that time, due to the battery situation with my laptop.

My heart is bursting with lessons learned and revelation received! However, between the interns new schedule, the homework required this term, and less than a day for personal time, borrowing someone else's laptop will be a luxury reserved for papers that are due and assignments that are required.

Thank you for being such faithful readers! You have made a dream come true! I have always wanted to write things that cause people to think, change their perspective, or enlighten their journey through life. I hope when I pick back up in June (or for the surprise one liners until then) you will tune back in to my journey as I share through the written word.

Farewell for a moment, fellow mystics, until then.

Not Quite What it Seems

I keep thinking of how to share the Creator's latest act of faithfulness in my life.

I needed a minimum of $2600 by April 1st to be able to stay in the internship with a total of $5000 owed up to date. Monday afternoon someone called the school and made an anonymous donation of $5000 towards my bill.

I can write beautiful words to paint a picture of the depth of anguish my soul was facing in going home and the height of ecstasy and peace I encountered when all my fears were relieved. Yet it's not enough.

I have thought for 3 days how I should blog this past experience out. To use words to express height and depth of emotion and experience. I have thought and pondered and simply come to the realization of the fact that until the experience is real in your own lives, my experience cannot be fully understood.

All day Monday it was as if I was in mourning. I began crying when I awoke and did not stop for the duration of the day. I am not particularly inclined to be an emotionally unstable person. While I have found crying helps me to fully embrace an emotion I usually have a good one, work through the mental battle, and then simply move on. Monday was NOT one of those days. I have never experienced anything like it before. I was broken and dying on the inside. I can see how when people are faced with losing their dreams, they simply die on the inside. Life is over for them for life has no more purpose it holds no more reason to get up every morning. But one thing kept me from completely losing myself in the sorrow.

His promises.

I began to embrace my circumstances as my reality, when in fact, they were only circumstances. The reality was that the Creator had called me here, he would move heaven and earth to keep me here. I fought in a very real and overwhelming way an intense battle of the mind. I kept hearing that I wasn't good enough, I had missed it, and God was not going to provide. However, this is not what the Creator had been telling me. If you don't have a bible, I encourage you to go find one and read the book of Ruth. Pay attention to chapter 3. At the end of chapter 3 Naomi tells Ruth that Boaz will not let the day end without the matter being settled. That was God's promise to me. He would be my Boaz and he would take care of things for me.

That, I suppose, is what it means to be taken care of. Rescued. Delighted in.

That is why he waits for me. To rescue me. Delight in me. Provide for me. This is what he desires for all those who walk the face of the earth. However, each person has their own journey in this. That is why I can write beautiful words to express height and depth of emotion and experience and you read it like a nice little story. Because

the Creator MUST be experienced ON YOUR OWN.

Until that time the faith I have chosen to profess just isn't quite what it seems because it was intended to be walked out in experience and encounter with the living God, the One who loves us the most. So, in my prayer for those who read this, if the journey gets rocky and rough, run to Jesus. There is no end to his goodness and his patience in waiting for us to let him in. And when you feel as if you are dying on the inside, know it is the process of separating within us who we think we are from who we are created to be.

More than anything I want to believe him and to be able to come to that place my reality has to change. I need a paradigm shift from thinking my circumstances are my reality to knowing that everything isn't quite what it seems, because his hand is always at work.

The Luxury of a Desert

I know I haven't written in a bit. Sorry. When I started out on this journey of experiencing the mystical side of my chosen faith I had some idea of what I would walk through, but no real clear understanding. Over the past two months of not blogging I have walked through some things where I am having to choose whether or not to share openly about my experiences.

This is why the desert fathers' hung out in the desert, because their experiences were so personal, so profound, they didn't want to share. They simply wanted to hang out in the desert alone and have more experiences. So do I. However, I do not have the luxury of a desert or the calling to go find one.

So I have chosen to share what I can communicate with words.

I am learning that walking out a mystical lifestyle which encounters the supernatural side of my faith requires constant positioning of the heart. I recently learned that every process I go through is simply a situation that has been designed to position my heart where it needs to be to hear and receive the fullness of what God has for me.

Every situation.

Then someone shared with me that if this is truly the case, then I have the opportunity to position my heart without going through the situations.

So, I have been busy positioning my heart. I am rearranging my finances. I am changing my mindsets and asking the questions I didn't want answers to.

Then God began to show me how he views me.

Did you know that he waits for us? He doesn't violate us by coming in and taking over. If I have a wall between me and him, then he waits for me to move it.

He waits for me.

I don't think I have ever been waited for. He is sitting patiently on the other side of all of this junk waiting for me to remove it so he can be for me what I cannot be for myself. I have found that I hold him at a distance for fear that he will leave me, when all he has done my whole life is patiently wait. Just for me.

I have also found that in positioning my heart to receive from God in every way, I can and have, come to the end of myself. I can do nothing else to advance myself in my own life. I fully expect that the One who loves me most is my answer and will explode on me here shortly. And I fully expect to come to this time once again, where I have reached the end of myself.

This is the part where I am learning to be rescued. I reach the end of myself and find that I am not enough. I never have been and never will be enough to propel myself into the destiny the Creator has for me. I have to be rescued from myself. From thinking I can do it on my own and that everything will be fine if I can just 'fix it'. I need him. In a very desperate way. And in return, he loves me in a very desperate way.

I am about to be rescued by the One who loves me most.

If I could share anything with you that can take many a lifetime to learn, it would be, to let Jesus in to rescue you from yourself. It is not an intelligent decision in which information sets our intellect at ease. It is a spiritual encounter in which we expose our deepest fears and greatest dreams and we allow the breath of heaven to wash away the fears and explode life into the dreams. It is a journey that takes a lifetime to walk and gives us a destiny to fulfill. It is the hope of Jesus Christ made manifest through his people.

Death's Cold Blow

The day after I chose to die I woke up totally numb emotionally, which is rather rare being an incredibly sensitive person. I couldn't feel a thing. It was as if I was lying on my back on the bottom of a lake. It was murky and there was a consistent constant pressure all around me. This is how it felt even while spending time with God. I flipped through my bible and began to read what I had underlined in the past and this is what stood out to me. (PS. 62:5-6; 66:16-20; 68:12&20)

Let all that I am wait quietly before God for my hope is in Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation my fortress where I will not be shaken.

Come and listen all you who fear God and I will tell you what He did for me!

For I cried out to Him for help, praising Him as I spoke. If I had not confessed the sin in my heart the Lord would not have listened.

But God DID listen!! He paid attention to my prayer!!

Praise God who did not ignore my prayer or withdraw His unfailing love from me. Enemy kings and their armies flee, while the women of Israel divide the plunder.

Our God is a God who saves!! The sovereign Lord rescues us from death!!

At the end of the day I got what I needed to stay in my missions program. It was like watching someone gasp for air. I was raised from the bottom of the lake and life breathed into me once again. While it was a complete relief to know I was staying and God wanted me here, the battle is not over. I am still on the front lines pushing through to see others be at the very place I just came from.

And I am still pushing through to stay. I have enough for February and I am fighting to stay for the following 5 months. It helps knowing God wants me here. So here I will stay. Because Jesus is in the resurrection business and He resurrected me AND my dreams.

Open Heart Surgery

Lament: to grieve, wail, weep, moan.

I discovered dreams recently that I have held in my heart for quite sometime. In the process of positioning myself for God to provide for me to stay in my missions program, those dreams are very exposed. And I have realized something.

I don't trust God with my dreams.

I am afraid that I won't raise the $1350 monthly support I need in the next 2 days and my heart I so vulnerably and blindly placed in God's hand will experience a violence only death is familiar with. I so eagerly sought out dreams I didn't know I had only to discover if I trust God with them, He might take them away.

So here I am in the ER with my heart open and exposed to the One Who Loves me most. And I have a choice. I can trust Him with my dreams or I can try and do it on my own.

As much as I want to do things on my own and make my dreams happen, I know that if dreams die in that situation, they get buried and stay dead.

If. If I choose to trust these fragile dreams to the One Who Loves me most, He has the option of deciding when and where they happen. But I know that if my dreams die in this situation, they have a better chance of being raised from the dead looking better then ever. Because that is what Jesus does, ladies and gentlemen, He raises the dead.

Anything that is dead. Dreams, people, idea's, hope, love, and faith.

I spoke with my mom in the middle of my lament about this open heart surgery. The wise one said this. A vision must die like a seed before it can grow. So just die already. Die. Get it over with because then you can be resurrected. Because Jesus is in the resurrection business.

I have flat lined in that ER room. I am dying and my dreams are dying with me. I am choosing to believe that the One Who Loves me most is going to save me. Even if I am having trouble trusting Him with the desires of my heart.

Farewell dear friends. May I see you on the other side of dying dreams.

Upon Waking

In the culture my faith creates around me dreaming is encouraged greatly. Where you believe there are no impossibilities because of the One you believe in. So I have dreamed many dreams.
Big ones. Impossible for myself to accomplish. Long and hard the tales I have weaved in my mind of all the things I desire to do.

And I have heard that these dreams will soon become reality. Soon.

So this is where I find myself. Waking from sleep where I have dreamed deeply. Upon waking I am in this awkward transition of struggling to determine where my dream has ended and where my reality begins.

Then it dawns on me. This is what the God I serve is all about. He created me and many of the dreams I have He has placed in my heart. When I submit those dreams to Him, He perfects them and then helps me to accomplish all the dreams He has placed in me.

I am waking up and finding the dreams I have spent years praying over and working towards are not dreams any more. They are realities within reach.

Upon waking I find my dreams are becoming my realities when I walk with the One Who Loves me most.