Partnering with the Creator

This journey I am on to understanding the faith I so valiantly profess has been a long one marked with sacrifice, challenges, heartaches, and sweet, sweet revelations of the One the Who Loves me the Most. One of the most recent revelations has been one of the most challenging. Paul said, show me your faith without deeds and I will show you my faith by what I do. And therein lies one of the biggest paradox's of following Jesus. We cannot earn our grace because it is a gift, yet if we are under grace our works will prove it.

I have always been one to be independent and make things work on my own. I am learning that this is not the way of the One Who Loves me Most. I am not supposed to learn how to deal, cope, or make it through. I am supposed to run to Him in everything as if He were my only hope, because, after all, He is.

When I left on this journey in August I left my family, friends, job, home, and the only country I knew. I was assured through many different ways that this is what God wanted. Now I find myself in a financial pickle. Expecting God to provide for what two jobs were covering.

I, in no way, have my life together as I would like. I came to this place letting Jesus know, that while I was being obedient to His call, I wanted to take care of some financial obligations at home with a one year interim between the call and my active obedience. He still said go. One thing I have learned is that when God says go, it doesn't matter what state your bank account, love life, or health is in, you pick up and go. So I did.

In the past three months as I have sought to raise financial support like a missionary, I have found why it is so difficult to be one. I have labored in prayer, repentance, and humility in what I should do to raise a financial support team who wants to join me on this journey and help me realize God's heart to so many people.

Over this holiday break I was asked to seek God for a strategy to raise the money I am in need of to stay in the missions program I am currently enrolled in. I was devastated. My mind began to race trying to come up with an answer I hadn't already concluded.

Then it hit me.

God isn't sitting on His throne in heaven waiting for me to come up with some fantastic plan on my own, in my own strength and in my own striving. He is sitting right next to me eagerly awaiting my request to know what His plan is. He has a plan and within that plan everything I need and more will be provided for me. And it's not something I have to beat myself over the head for. I simply be still and know He is God. He is exactly who He says He is.

He is my provider. The One Who Loves me Most. The One Who Loves me in such extravagance that He wants to give me more then just what I need. He wants to take care of me. Above and beyond my hopes and dreams.

So I stopped striving and I started waiting. I am still waiting and listening for His strategy. But I am no longer under any stress or pressure, because I am not working alone. I simply take the hand of the One Who Created the Universe and He shows me the way.

And then my life is together. Like never before.
Because I fell apart at His feet knowing He is my only hope.

Traveling for the Holidays

I am experiencing many firsts this Christmas. First time away from home. First time to ride a bus. First time to see snow in the month of December. I am nervous and excited all at once. I knew leaving the Institute for Spiritual Development that while I would not have class, that I still had lessons to learn about my faith.

On the bus ride to my destination I was able to stare out giant windows at snow kissed mountains and sculptures of once flowing waterfalls. Following the winding highway brought us in and out of white frosted pines and semi-iced creeks and rivers. As I gazed at the fog hovering over the mountains I was sure that as we passed through a pocket of this mystical fog I would be instantly transported to another dimension. Suddenly, I was.

If you can imagine Narnia right after Aslan had come and the ice had started to melt. Between rushing waters and ice glazed rock faces I found myself longing to be the elvin princess in Lord of the Rings. Even Princesses have lessons to learn.

This princess already knows the lessons she has to learn over break. I have to learn how to receive and how to be taken care of. Now I am sure most of you would wonder why I have such an issue with these two things. Surely it can't be that difficult. However, for quite some time I have found my safety and security in not being in a position to need anyone. Both lessons require involvement of another person. Both lessons give me a perfect understanding of how much I need my Creator.

It sure has been easy to learn how to get along on my own. To work and make money. To have the sweet illusion that I am in control. ha ha Sweet, sweet illusion.

I am not in control. I cannot take care of myself. I need other people. I need to receive from them and be taken care of by them. Which puts me in a very vulnerable place. My heart has been broken there before. More than once. Yet here I am again. Learning to live in this place of vulnerability and need. A Princess in need. Not helpless and incapable, but having a strength in realizing that she cannot do it on her own. I cannot do it on my own.

That is my lesson over this holiday. As I have traveled to this beautiful place where mystical stories lay just beyond the next bend, I am determined to learn my spiritual lessons for this season.

Positioning for Justice

I am learning about a spiritual concept called positioning yourself for justice. Basically I learn about the ways of God and then follow them. Then when something gets you in a hard spot God can act on your behalf in justice because of your position.

For instance:

I am currently learning how to be a good steward of finances. About two years ago I didn't trust God and depended on a different way then his. Now I am not justified for him to act on my behalf because I chose to not do things his way. To re-position myself for him to act on my behalf and to provide for me financially, I have to repent of not trusting him. So I did. Now I am working through my bad decisions knowing God is justified to act on my behalf and provide for me as I live by faith because I have positioned myself correctly.

In every area of my life I am asking God to help me position myself for his justice. If I repent and turn from what he reveals to me then I am opening myself up for God to provide for me in ways I can't even imagine. He continues to tell me that he wants to provide in crazy awesome ways and I want to see it. However, I must remove from my life what is not pleasing to him so that it makes room for what he wants to give me.

I am looking forward to posting a follow up on this concept of positioning for justice. I can't wait to let God blow me away with what he has for me.

Here @ ISD

I am currently enrolled in the Institute for Spiritual Development and this is what a normal week will look like.

Monday
9am-9pm
work duty, class, study, worship, work out.

Tuesday
9am-9pm
same

Wednesday
9am-9pm
Same

Thursday
9am-9pm
same

Friday
9am-5.30pm
same

These times don't include getting ready for the day, time for homework, quiet time, working out, homework projects, book readings, book reports, or personal stuff like calling the fam or doing laundry.

Needless to say when learning about spiritual development life is very full.

Finding God

I am at the place that people usually find God. At the very end of myself where everything is totally out of my control. On the edge of losing what I can barely grasp as my perceptions of reality slowly and surely slip right through my fingers.

Again and again I have asked that God use me to display His manifest glory on this earth. That I might be proof to all I come in contact with that God indeed exists. He is undeniable. Always.

So here I am. In the middle of that prayer. The difficult reality of that prayer is that to be a living reality of who God is will always place me in impossible situations that I cannot rescue myself from.

I cannot rescue myself. Ever.

Is it the end of the world if I sell my car and lose good standing with financial institutions? No. Not really. But it sure is the end of a good witness. Sometimes I wonder what kind of a witness I am. Constantly getting into situations I cannot get myself out of. Silly humanity.

This is why I need a God whose love is never ending and everlasting. I can make the best decisions I can with all the counsel I have access to and I still end up in need. Because I need Him. Because I will always need Him.

So here I am in the middle of a deadly prayer while I feel like the world is coming to end and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Nothing.

I am waiting. I have done all I know to do and now I wait. I am waiting for the end of the prayer where I ask to be an example. At the end of that prayer God again proves who He is. In spite of my humanity and constant need of rescuing, He still saves me. Not because I am testing His love by making bad decisions over and over, but by doing all I know to do with what He has taught me and letting him fill in the rest.

So here it is. He is about to fill in the rest. Are you ready to see that God is who He says He is?

Learning the ways of Ruach

In the system of faith I profess to there is God the Father, Jesus the Son, and Ruach the Holy Spirit. There is much known about God the Father and Jesus the Son, but very little understanding or knowledge on Ruach the Holy Spirit. I am learning about the Holy Spirit and his personality. He is a person. Not male or female. The comforter, the teacher, and the promise. Although the Holy Spirit is very powerful and extremely strong, he is also INCREDIBLY sensitive.

Growing up I was a very spiritually aware child. I dealt with many fears and insecurities. It took me a long time to work through a very long and deep shy stage. As I got older I found that some of my awareness faded, but only because I was consistently approached and told I was overly sensitive. While I do believe children must learn how to control their emotions and not be ruled by them, I have also learned that children can lose their sensitivity by the introduction of fears and doubts by the adults and peers that surround them.

So to survive and not be "overly sensitive", I shut down and hardened my heart.

As I have opened myself up to what the Spirit wants to teach me here I am learning to be like him. To walk closely to him and to be constantly aware of what he is speaking to me. About 3 weeks ago my world exploded in this pursuit of relationship with the Holy Spirit.

Almost a year ago I heard a story about a small child and his father. The father had been over-hearing the son talking to himself and in speaking with the child learned that the child was having conversations with an angel. In seeking wisdom in how to handle the situation the father asked his spiritual leader what should be done. The leader encouraged him to question the child on their interaction. So one day the father hears the son again having a conversation with an unseen person. The father enters and asks who the son is speaking to and the child again says an angel. The father asks him where the angel is and the son points to the area of the room the angel is in. The father then asks the small child why the child can see the angel and the father cannot. The child inquires and responds by saying that the father had seen too much evil and his heart had become calloused. But if he worked on being sensitive his heart would soften and he would be able to see again. The child was only 4.

I have sought God for many years for my eyes to be opened again. Slowly but surely I am awakening from the slumber I thought would save me.
A slumber that only made me blind.

I want to share what that looks like on a practical level. For me personally there are many movies I cannot watch or music I cannot listen to. Because I am not strong enough? No. Because I am sensitive. The best way I can think of to describe this is a man who is strong and silent. Think of a football player. He tackles in strength and power but you put his child on the line and he is in tears. The tears don't make him weak, they simply display his sensitivity. I know I am an extremely strong woman. I have fought many battles that have brought my level of skill above my age. Yet my heart still breaks when I see fellow warriors suffer. There is much pain in life but I am determined to allow my heart to break when God's heart breaks, no matter how much it hurts.

When I allow my heart to break when God's heart breaks, then I begin to see what God can see. More then anything in life I am determined to see what God can see and what Ruach the holy Spirit wants me to see.

Crazy in LOVE

I have finally met a man. One I trust completely and without hindrance.
EVERY STINKIN DAY he tells me how amazing I am.

We already have this little thing we do. Wherever we go he points out beauty to me and then tells me how it is a reflection of who God created me to be. He is tender and compassionate. He gently points out the incorrect mindsets I have and is graciously helping me overcome them.

He is also strong. I don't get away with squat. He lets me know exactly where he stands and we are honest with each other so that there is no guessing game in our relationship. I don't like surprises that much but he has assured me that all of his surprises are good. All of his surprises are good.

He stretches me to face my fears while holding me tight to protect me. He speaks truth into the lies I have believed for so very long. Little by little every day I am beginning to believe him. I am beginning to believe that:

I am lovable.
I am beautiful.
I am a warrior and I am a princess.
I am hug-able.
I am a delight.
I need someone to take care of me.

This is an overwhelming process. To be loved. To be desired and wanted. To know that every moment I sleep and every moment I am awake there is someone madly, desperately in love with who I am. The amazing thing is, he is in love with you too.

This is the faith I profess. That the One I love created me to love him back and ALL of history is the story of this epic romance. Again and again I run, fearful that he will find out what he already knows. I can't live without him. I can't live without Jesus.

Jesus is the one who speaks to all my dreams. He calls my destiny into fullness and hope into my heart. He breathes life into broken places and restores painful journeys.

He is the one that knows what I love. What things stir my heart. What moves me to compassion. He speaks to the deepest parts of me that no one else can see and helps me to realize that He can see me. He can hear me. He knows me. and He desires every bit of it.

He told me I was coming here to fall in love all over again.
And I have.
Totally and completely crazy in love with Jesus.