The Pain of Trust

In my life I have experienced a lot of hurt. Some by unrealistic expectations. Some by my own insecurity. Some by taking offense at something that didn't even affect me. But most of my hurt has come from people. I assume most hurt anyone has experienced comes from people. In the midst of dealing with all of it I have become very familiar with two questions:

1. Do I trust Yahweh to work out in that person what needs to be worked out?

2. Do I trust Yahweh to use the situation to expose in me whatever needs to be dealt with?

At the heart of these questions lies the core question: Do I trust Yahweh?

People aren't perfect and neither are situations and even less is communication. So with all of this imperfection I have come to terms with the fact that I cannot change the imperfect but the perfect can change me. This is why I must trust Yahweh, the Perfection of Heaven and Earth, because he can change anything. 

Over the past 6 months I have struggled with a lot of hurt. Things have not turned out as I had hoped and then things I didn't even see coming caught me square in the gut. Sitting on my bum in the dirt with all of the air knocked out of me is a really good idea of how I have felt over the past 6 weeks.

I don't understand why I am where I am. And why I am here if Yahweh has placed it in my heart to be elsewhere? Why later and not now? Why me? Why? 

And yet Yahweh asks, 'Do you trust me?'

I want to scream, "NO!!!!!!!!!!! It hurts too much to trust you!!!!!!! You take away my dreams and ruin my life!!! I lose friends and family over you!!!!!! No, it hurts. It just hurts too much."

But I don't. Because I remember. 

I remember when I needed $5,000 and it miracoulously appeared. 

Or when I had emergency back surgery and the Dr said I might never walk again, but I do. 

Or when I had no money to pay for the$20,000 surgery and still haven't paid a dime.

Or when I needed a car and someone gave me one.

Or when I had gold dust on my hands for a week.

Or when I had no job and EVERYTIME Yahweh has provided one.

Or when I had nothing to give and he gave me something so I could give.

Or when I prayed for someone and they were healed.

Or when I prayed for someone and they spoke in tongues.

Or when I prayed for someone and they were set free. 

Or when, someday, I pray for the one who died before their time and they will come back to life.

I remember I trust Yahweh because he is good. Even when it hurts. Even when I feel that I have lost my dreams and life is going no where. Even when I feel I am losing my friends and my family to follow him. Even when I feel like I have no reason left to live. I trust him. I trust him because he has captivated me. I can not go back to living a normal life because I have found that the pain and the hurt is only the middle of the story. 

The glory of the end of the story always overshadows the pain and loss. Always. Because with Yahweh, the end of the story is always greater than I could have ever made out for myself. Yahweh and I have a game. I make up the best I can dream up and let him know what it is that I want. Then he takes the best I could think up, tweaks it a little bit, holds on to it for a bit, and then hands it back. In that small amount of handling my dream has turned into something I wish I had the creativity to dream up. I mean. A one dimension story has turned into so many dimensions I can't keep up and the wonder just keeps comin. 

Then I realize I have become one who dreams with the Creator.

And that's why I trust him even when it hurts and doesn't make sense. Because in the end we still dream together and everything turns out in such a way that I can't even imagine where the next story will take me.

So know, that it is not that if I trust him I don't hurt. It is simply that I have seen such things that it has overshadowed my pain. In seeing the things I have, it has healed my hurt. In walking where I have and experiencing the things I have, it has made me whole again. 

Because he really is who he says he is.

Fringe

I am remembering why I started this blog. I wanted to communicate through the written word the spiritual journey of my faith in Yeshua. Growing up in the church, being a Pastor's kid, I had a front row seat to the political agenda's that simmered beneath religion's structure. Hear me out. My experience in the church growing up was not what I would call bad. It is what I would call typical. No church or body of believers is without it's flaws. But to be honest it is the very problems within the church that have driven me to understand that Yahweh has so much more for us if we would pause, remove ourselves from what we have been taught, and dive into the word and into Yahweh as if we had known nothing of him previously.

This is why I started this blog. I want to learn and experience the God of the Bible for myself and share that journey with you. Whether you start your own journey or just read through mine doesn't matter. Something will happen deep within you. If I have learned anything this far, it is this: The Creator of heaven and earth is so big in me that no one can come in contact with me and not be changed. I am not perfect, but he is and he lives in me and YOU are about to go through some profound transformations because you read a blog by someone who is on a very serious quest to be friends with the Living and Eternal Yahweh, the One who Loves us the most.

I am learning two things right now, which I believe are intricately woven into a fabric where you cannot separate the two.

Being and resting. 

What do these thigns mean? How do we apply them? How far do we take it? Here are my thoughts.

At first when I think of being I see someone in meditation ALL DAY LONG. lol Then I think about it a bit more. We are human beings. I have heard the phrase We are human beings, not human doings. And while I think there is a bit of truth to that, it certainly isn't the whole truth. Think about who you are. What gives you joy, peace, fulfillment, satisfaction? Living in a state of being, from my perspective, isn't running around doing things you should, but doing things you LOVE. To be is to do what you have been created to do and have time for the direction of Ruach. ( if you are concerned of my term "ruach" go look up the hebrew for spirit in gen 1:2) When everyone is who they are created to be, everyone is taken care of. 

Rest. This is a big one for me. One of the biggest things my parents told me growing up is if I was going into ministry that rest was one of the most important assets to my faith and to my family. And to remember that rest didn't mean sleep. Rest doesn't mean a movie marathon either. Some definitions of rest are: To be free from disturbance or agitation, a state of reconciliation to God, and to cease form labor, work, or performance. You know what? If you read through the new testament, those definitions sound like a gathering of believers.

In most spiritual religions rest and being play a major role in reaching the goal of that particular faith. IF (if, if, if) Yahweh created everything and all other religions are just copies, then how did I miss this important aspect of my faith? There are many disciplines of our faith that I have found virtually unknown in the church today. Sabbath (for real), Fasting, Meditation, Solitude, Silence, Communion, Listening Prayer, Study, Worship(not the musical kind), Servant-hood, and Fellowship. I can think of 11. I know most churches actively practice, teach, support, and encourage 3. Yes, I know this is blanket statement. yes, I know churches and groups practicing more than the 11 disciplines I listed. This is not a slam. This is a challenge. How come we aren't taught about these things? How come my generation has no idea about the power of the Living God? I am crying out to understand why I am just now making the transition from following a religious institution to walking a spiritual journey?

Because we all live on the fringe. Because it is safer there. People don't die from lying about how much money they donated. People aren't swallowed up by the earth when they steal.

but you know what? We aren't confused with our angels. We don't see arms growing out where they weren't before. We don't see provision for taxes through a fish. We don't see people get set free from self-hatred. We don't see a Living and Active Creator that loves us desperately and longs for our friendship.

In Mark 16: 17-18 it says, "And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues; They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover."

I have to ask myself a serious question right now. Are these signs following me? If not, then how far out on that fringe am I living? And I have decided that I am far TOO BORED living on the fringe. Nothing exciting happens there. I go to work, I come home, I attend church and nothing changes. This isn't enough. 

It is not enough for me or my generation.

This is why I write this blog. I have turned my face from the fringe and my eyes are searching for Yahweh's. My head and my heart are turned for the things of heaven. Whether or not I think I can do it, I am begging to be equipped to go into the dark places. Because that is where the exciting things happen. And you know what? People die there. I would rather die doing something exciting then live an entire life being bored. 

So here it is, the long and short of it all. I rest and be. In resting and being I find out who I was created to be. In being that person I am a light that shines in dark places. When the Light collides with the darkness, the darkness cannot overwhelm it. And oh the signs and wonders that will make us all sigh and wonder.

and by the way, those who don't live on the fringe experience things like: seeing limbs grow out where they were not before, seeing miraculous financial provision, raise the dead, watch the restoration and reconciliation of family relationships, watch chronic illness and mental disorders melt away, visit heaven, and other fun strange stuff that might freak you out. The reason I know this is because I have done some of these myself and my friends are seeing the things I have yet to see. I do not seek these things for the sake of fun but for the sake of Love. Safe and boring or scary and fun. You can decide, but I am heading in for the scary and fun.

See you there?

Ready? Set? silence.

I have been contemplating this phrase since it has had some major relevance in my life recently.

You can say it has been my past 3 month journey as I returned home after graduating from my school and getting a job to go back.

Ready?

I am learning that this is in reference to my emotional state. Last Feb I started asking Yahweh where my home was. Where did I have a place and where did I fit? Where will I call home? I found these answers for the next season of my life and it is to return to school. I don't enjoy saying goodbye to the ones who have laughed, cried, rejoiced and mourned with me over the past 3-4 years. And I hope many of those people know that we will be friends for a LIFETIME.

Set?

I am thinking this is in reference to my practical state of being. Is my paperwork in order? What is my strategy? Have I counted the cost? Have I made arrangements for my whole life to be packed up, again, to be used at a later date? Have I gotten rid of everything I don't really need anymore? Sell the furniture, garage sale the stuff, and fit the next year of my life into two 50 pound max weight suitcases.

silence.

This is the waiting. In 20/20 hindsight this is my most favorite part. Hardest. Most precious. Emotionally I am ready. Practically I am set. I am now waiting for the GO. Have you ever had a hard time getting a room full of children to listen to your instruction? I have noticed that if I lower my voice and began to whisper removing myself from the noise competition creates a curiosity. The children begin to quiet down and try to figure out where the whisper is coming from. Then they hear what is being said. This is what waiting is like when chasing the Spirit of Yahweh. I quiet myself. I focus on the whisper and then I hear what He is saying. 

And I listen for "GO!"

I think I am right at the end of the 'Set?' I am ready emotionally (as much you can be when leaving your friends and family), I am working on tying up loose ends here practically. I am getting ready for the "GO!"

Benched Player

I love coming up with catch phrases that take off and spread like wildfire. I also enjoy theologically contemplating them to make sure they are sound. lol Here is one I came up with the other day.

There is no middle. If you aren't actively fighting for one team you are passively benching it on the other team.

Or something like that. I posted it on the web and immediately was uncomfortable with it. That phrase was up less than 24 hours when I erased it. It took me a whole week to figure out why I feel like it sounded so off.

In the internship program I was a part of last year there was a class called Physical Alignment in which EVERYONE played a chosen sport(mostly soccer) for two hours once a week. When entering this program this is the one class that terrified me because it would be the first time since emergency back surgery that I would be active again. Not to mention I hate running.

I got to the internship and my fear was brilliantly heightened as I learned that our sport would be soccer and I would be running and playing alongside 3 people who played the sport on a regular basis, with one being a paid soccer player!

But then something began to happen. Every game there was one guy who would run alongside me and help me out, challenge me on my level, and encourage me. I scored goals, ran the field, and actually began to "play" soccer.

I am by no means an amazing soccer player and will most likely never play on a team for a league, but the game no longer intimidates me and I love encouraging others who are intimidated by the sport to join our game.

This is the problem I found with the above catch phrase. Having been an active player I noticed it is easy to see who is benching it. But having been one who has benched it I felt like I was an observer, someone sitting in the crowd watching the game.

Until . . .

Someone invited me to play. And when he invited me he didn't run off and leave me alone to fend for myself. He ran alongside me, helped me out, and encouraged me on my level.

For far too long in my faith my mindset has been one of a active player who can see the passive players sitting on the bench. Rather than inviting them into a game they don't think they can play, I have judged them. Which I am sure has caused many to remain on the sidelines thinking they were a part of the crowd watching a game they never thought they could play.
I am making a decision to be like the guy in my internship who laid down his pride and skill to lovingly push me into a sport I didn't think I could play.

Being an active player in my faith I am determined to lovingly encourage the side-liners and benched players. My faith is exciting, adventurous, and far more fascinating than most make it out to be. I am determined to live it to it's fullest and lovingly promote it to others in such a way that is inviting, not intimidating; challenging, not impossible; and mystical, not boring.

This is why I can't use that catch phrase, because I was once the passive benched player who hadn't been invited to play the game.

Seperation

What if the only thing seperating us and God was a door?

On the other side is a cozy chamber prepared for intimacy and unveiling. A place so ambient that vulnerability is not merely a question, but a sure-sounding whisper of intent. Every day you and I face this door. Are we willing to lay aside our offenses and defenses before we approach intimacy with our beloved? How many times has the lover of our souls looked beyond our fear and our pain and invited us anyways? He already knows we will walk in laden with armor and bleeding from our battle wounds. Will you let him strip away your walls of armor, get close to your wounds, and heal your broken soul?

Men: Are you willing to lay aside your pride, reputation, and image to be with your King? Will you allow yourself to become emotionally attached to your Maker? Will you allow your Maker to stir your heart with a passion that surely causes a man to kneel as great floods of emotion run over him resulting in tears, laughter, moaning, or some outward expression of emotion?

Women: Are you willing to put down your walls and allow him to take care of your heart? Might you consider that God is trustworthy enough to care for you in your vulnerability? That maybe he never intended for your heart to be as broken as it is? That maybe he is so in love with you that he desires for you to be satisfied and fulfilled as a woman?

Jesus is the man that made all of these things possible. Because God didn't want a door to seperate us, he sent His son, Jesus, to open that door to us that we may come before God boldly. God does desire every one of these thing for us, therefore we must only be willing to be vulnerable enough before him so that he can lift us from the despair we live in.

This is why we must work out our salvation with fear and trembling, because salvation is not an event, it is a relationship in which God takes us in our vulnerability and shows us the things that are hurting us and helps us to be free of them. Even if we think these things are who we are, we must be vulnerable enough to trust our Maker when he says it is not who we are. If Christ came to give life more abundantly, while we are in the arms of God, we must be willing to allow Him to show us the things we do to hurt ourselves, and then do whatever it takes to rid ourselves of them.

God will not force you to be vulnerable with Him. He will allow you to get as close as you want or to get as far away as you want. However, the closer you get, the more abundant life becomes.

If you could be free, would you want to be?

Boxes

Boxes are fantastic things really. They keep our 'stuff' organized, make our lives more 'simple', and it is easy to label them. That way we know EXACTLY what we will find when we open them up.

Boxes are fantastic things. Unless you put something in a box that wasn't intended to be in a box.

Like God.

He doesn't really like the box either. Most of us (including me) claim that we don't put Him in a box.
I mean, He's God right? I can't put God in a box!
But then I ask myself when the last time was I healed a sick person, cast out a demon, drank poison and didn't die? Mark 16 does say these signs will FOLLOW those who BELIEVE.

So maybe I did put Him in a box.

I think this is where things get just a little screwy. I think I have Him organized, simple, and labeled.
And He smiles at me and chuckles.

Then I open my labeled box and something comes out that WAS NOT ON THE LABEL!
In fact, so many things come out of the box, my concern is no longer what is coming out, but how much is coming out. ALL of THAT could ABSOLUTELY NOT fit into that box!

It's like a Mary Poppins convention inside that screwy little God box.

Because the box I put God in doesn't change who He is, it simply changes my perspective of who He is. I organize revival by what I know(which isn't much), simplify Him to what I understand(which is finite), and only believe what the label says on the outside (which I made).
The only problem with this box, is that I made it.

I organized Him. I simplified Him. I labeled Him.

So I am thinking that the problem with this little box is this: God fits in there just fine.

He's started a revolution inside that little sucker.
But because I made it and carry it around, I can't actually fit inside that box.

Now why on earth would I want to fit inside that screwy little box?
Because that's where ALL of the FUN God-stuff is happening.

Like . . .

Being with The One Who Loves YOU!
Encounters with the LIVING GOD
Freedom to be who I really am
Holy Spirit AWESOMENESS
Interaction with those who have been ordered to guard us and keep us from falling (Ps. 91:11-12), the winds which are messengers, and servants who are fire (Heb. 1:7).
Clearing out hospitals because everyone is well
Jail houses emptying out because of no more crime
Getting new idea's that have NEVER been seen
Receiving creative insight for my job
No more child abuse
No more divorces
No more broken people who have no hope.

Wow. That's quite a bit to stick inside a box I don't even fit into.

So . . .

I am getting rid of my little box because I can't fit inside of it.

And if I can't fit inside of it, then how am I going to share it with someone else?

Farewell for a Moment

Alas, this week the battery in my laptop bit the dust.
And I have been working on a lovely blog too.
I have so much I want to write about, but for a moment I must take time out to finish my internship. I will be finishing in the middle of June and most likely will not write until that time, due to the battery situation with my laptop.

My heart is bursting with lessons learned and revelation received! However, between the interns new schedule, the homework required this term, and less than a day for personal time, borrowing someone else's laptop will be a luxury reserved for papers that are due and assignments that are required.

Thank you for being such faithful readers! You have made a dream come true! I have always wanted to write things that cause people to think, change their perspective, or enlighten their journey through life. I hope when I pick back up in June (or for the surprise one liners until then) you will tune back in to my journey as I share through the written word.

Farewell for a moment, fellow mystics, until then.