Partnering with the Creator

This journey I am on to understanding the faith I so valiantly profess has been a long one marked with sacrifice, challenges, heartaches, and sweet, sweet revelations of the One the Who Loves me the Most. One of the most recent revelations has been one of the most challenging. Paul said, show me your faith without deeds and I will show you my faith by what I do. And therein lies one of the biggest paradox's of following Jesus. We cannot earn our grace because it is a gift, yet if we are under grace our works will prove it.

I have always been one to be independent and make things work on my own. I am learning that this is not the way of the One Who Loves me Most. I am not supposed to learn how to deal, cope, or make it through. I am supposed to run to Him in everything as if He were my only hope, because, after all, He is.

When I left on this journey in August I left my family, friends, job, home, and the only country I knew. I was assured through many different ways that this is what God wanted. Now I find myself in a financial pickle. Expecting God to provide for what two jobs were covering.

I, in no way, have my life together as I would like. I came to this place letting Jesus know, that while I was being obedient to His call, I wanted to take care of some financial obligations at home with a one year interim between the call and my active obedience. He still said go. One thing I have learned is that when God says go, it doesn't matter what state your bank account, love life, or health is in, you pick up and go. So I did.

In the past three months as I have sought to raise financial support like a missionary, I have found why it is so difficult to be one. I have labored in prayer, repentance, and humility in what I should do to raise a financial support team who wants to join me on this journey and help me realize God's heart to so many people.

Over this holiday break I was asked to seek God for a strategy to raise the money I am in need of to stay in the missions program I am currently enrolled in. I was devastated. My mind began to race trying to come up with an answer I hadn't already concluded.

Then it hit me.

God isn't sitting on His throne in heaven waiting for me to come up with some fantastic plan on my own, in my own strength and in my own striving. He is sitting right next to me eagerly awaiting my request to know what His plan is. He has a plan and within that plan everything I need and more will be provided for me. And it's not something I have to beat myself over the head for. I simply be still and know He is God. He is exactly who He says He is.

He is my provider. The One Who Loves me Most. The One Who Loves me in such extravagance that He wants to give me more then just what I need. He wants to take care of me. Above and beyond my hopes and dreams.

So I stopped striving and I started waiting. I am still waiting and listening for His strategy. But I am no longer under any stress or pressure, because I am not working alone. I simply take the hand of the One Who Created the Universe and He shows me the way.

And then my life is together. Like never before.
Because I fell apart at His feet knowing He is my only hope.

Traveling for the Holidays

I am experiencing many firsts this Christmas. First time away from home. First time to ride a bus. First time to see snow in the month of December. I am nervous and excited all at once. I knew leaving the Institute for Spiritual Development that while I would not have class, that I still had lessons to learn about my faith.

On the bus ride to my destination I was able to stare out giant windows at snow kissed mountains and sculptures of once flowing waterfalls. Following the winding highway brought us in and out of white frosted pines and semi-iced creeks and rivers. As I gazed at the fog hovering over the mountains I was sure that as we passed through a pocket of this mystical fog I would be instantly transported to another dimension. Suddenly, I was.

If you can imagine Narnia right after Aslan had come and the ice had started to melt. Between rushing waters and ice glazed rock faces I found myself longing to be the elvin princess in Lord of the Rings. Even Princesses have lessons to learn.

This princess already knows the lessons she has to learn over break. I have to learn how to receive and how to be taken care of. Now I am sure most of you would wonder why I have such an issue with these two things. Surely it can't be that difficult. However, for quite some time I have found my safety and security in not being in a position to need anyone. Both lessons require involvement of another person. Both lessons give me a perfect understanding of how much I need my Creator.

It sure has been easy to learn how to get along on my own. To work and make money. To have the sweet illusion that I am in control. ha ha Sweet, sweet illusion.

I am not in control. I cannot take care of myself. I need other people. I need to receive from them and be taken care of by them. Which puts me in a very vulnerable place. My heart has been broken there before. More than once. Yet here I am again. Learning to live in this place of vulnerability and need. A Princess in need. Not helpless and incapable, but having a strength in realizing that she cannot do it on her own. I cannot do it on my own.

That is my lesson over this holiday. As I have traveled to this beautiful place where mystical stories lay just beyond the next bend, I am determined to learn my spiritual lessons for this season.