Fringe

I am remembering why I started this blog. I wanted to communicate through the written word the spiritual journey of my faith in Yeshua. Growing up in the church, being a Pastor's kid, I had a front row seat to the political agenda's that simmered beneath religion's structure. Hear me out. My experience in the church growing up was not what I would call bad. It is what I would call typical. No church or body of believers is without it's flaws. But to be honest it is the very problems within the church that have driven me to understand that Yahweh has so much more for us if we would pause, remove ourselves from what we have been taught, and dive into the word and into Yahweh as if we had known nothing of him previously.

This is why I started this blog. I want to learn and experience the God of the Bible for myself and share that journey with you. Whether you start your own journey or just read through mine doesn't matter. Something will happen deep within you. If I have learned anything this far, it is this: The Creator of heaven and earth is so big in me that no one can come in contact with me and not be changed. I am not perfect, but he is and he lives in me and YOU are about to go through some profound transformations because you read a blog by someone who is on a very serious quest to be friends with the Living and Eternal Yahweh, the One who Loves us the most.

I am learning two things right now, which I believe are intricately woven into a fabric where you cannot separate the two.

Being and resting. 

What do these thigns mean? How do we apply them? How far do we take it? Here are my thoughts.

At first when I think of being I see someone in meditation ALL DAY LONG. lol Then I think about it a bit more. We are human beings. I have heard the phrase We are human beings, not human doings. And while I think there is a bit of truth to that, it certainly isn't the whole truth. Think about who you are. What gives you joy, peace, fulfillment, satisfaction? Living in a state of being, from my perspective, isn't running around doing things you should, but doing things you LOVE. To be is to do what you have been created to do and have time for the direction of Ruach. ( if you are concerned of my term "ruach" go look up the hebrew for spirit in gen 1:2) When everyone is who they are created to be, everyone is taken care of. 

Rest. This is a big one for me. One of the biggest things my parents told me growing up is if I was going into ministry that rest was one of the most important assets to my faith and to my family. And to remember that rest didn't mean sleep. Rest doesn't mean a movie marathon either. Some definitions of rest are: To be free from disturbance or agitation, a state of reconciliation to God, and to cease form labor, work, or performance. You know what? If you read through the new testament, those definitions sound like a gathering of believers.

In most spiritual religions rest and being play a major role in reaching the goal of that particular faith. IF (if, if, if) Yahweh created everything and all other religions are just copies, then how did I miss this important aspect of my faith? There are many disciplines of our faith that I have found virtually unknown in the church today. Sabbath (for real), Fasting, Meditation, Solitude, Silence, Communion, Listening Prayer, Study, Worship(not the musical kind), Servant-hood, and Fellowship. I can think of 11. I know most churches actively practice, teach, support, and encourage 3. Yes, I know this is blanket statement. yes, I know churches and groups practicing more than the 11 disciplines I listed. This is not a slam. This is a challenge. How come we aren't taught about these things? How come my generation has no idea about the power of the Living God? I am crying out to understand why I am just now making the transition from following a religious institution to walking a spiritual journey?

Because we all live on the fringe. Because it is safer there. People don't die from lying about how much money they donated. People aren't swallowed up by the earth when they steal.

but you know what? We aren't confused with our angels. We don't see arms growing out where they weren't before. We don't see provision for taxes through a fish. We don't see people get set free from self-hatred. We don't see a Living and Active Creator that loves us desperately and longs for our friendship.

In Mark 16: 17-18 it says, "And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues; They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover."

I have to ask myself a serious question right now. Are these signs following me? If not, then how far out on that fringe am I living? And I have decided that I am far TOO BORED living on the fringe. Nothing exciting happens there. I go to work, I come home, I attend church and nothing changes. This isn't enough. 

It is not enough for me or my generation.

This is why I write this blog. I have turned my face from the fringe and my eyes are searching for Yahweh's. My head and my heart are turned for the things of heaven. Whether or not I think I can do it, I am begging to be equipped to go into the dark places. Because that is where the exciting things happen. And you know what? People die there. I would rather die doing something exciting then live an entire life being bored. 

So here it is, the long and short of it all. I rest and be. In resting and being I find out who I was created to be. In being that person I am a light that shines in dark places. When the Light collides with the darkness, the darkness cannot overwhelm it. And oh the signs and wonders that will make us all sigh and wonder.

and by the way, those who don't live on the fringe experience things like: seeing limbs grow out where they were not before, seeing miraculous financial provision, raise the dead, watch the restoration and reconciliation of family relationships, watch chronic illness and mental disorders melt away, visit heaven, and other fun strange stuff that might freak you out. The reason I know this is because I have done some of these myself and my friends are seeing the things I have yet to see. I do not seek these things for the sake of fun but for the sake of Love. Safe and boring or scary and fun. You can decide, but I am heading in for the scary and fun.

See you there?

Ready? Set? silence.

I have been contemplating this phrase since it has had some major relevance in my life recently.

You can say it has been my past 3 month journey as I returned home after graduating from my school and getting a job to go back.

Ready?

I am learning that this is in reference to my emotional state. Last Feb I started asking Yahweh where my home was. Where did I have a place and where did I fit? Where will I call home? I found these answers for the next season of my life and it is to return to school. I don't enjoy saying goodbye to the ones who have laughed, cried, rejoiced and mourned with me over the past 3-4 years. And I hope many of those people know that we will be friends for a LIFETIME.

Set?

I am thinking this is in reference to my practical state of being. Is my paperwork in order? What is my strategy? Have I counted the cost? Have I made arrangements for my whole life to be packed up, again, to be used at a later date? Have I gotten rid of everything I don't really need anymore? Sell the furniture, garage sale the stuff, and fit the next year of my life into two 50 pound max weight suitcases.

silence.

This is the waiting. In 20/20 hindsight this is my most favorite part. Hardest. Most precious. Emotionally I am ready. Practically I am set. I am now waiting for the GO. Have you ever had a hard time getting a room full of children to listen to your instruction? I have noticed that if I lower my voice and began to whisper removing myself from the noise competition creates a curiosity. The children begin to quiet down and try to figure out where the whisper is coming from. Then they hear what is being said. This is what waiting is like when chasing the Spirit of Yahweh. I quiet myself. I focus on the whisper and then I hear what He is saying. 

And I listen for "GO!"

I think I am right at the end of the 'Set?' I am ready emotionally (as much you can be when leaving your friends and family), I am working on tying up loose ends here practically. I am getting ready for the "GO!"

Benched Player

I love coming up with catch phrases that take off and spread like wildfire. I also enjoy theologically contemplating them to make sure they are sound. lol Here is one I came up with the other day.

There is no middle. If you aren't actively fighting for one team you are passively benching it on the other team.

Or something like that. I posted it on the web and immediately was uncomfortable with it. That phrase was up less than 24 hours when I erased it. It took me a whole week to figure out why I feel like it sounded so off.

In the internship program I was a part of last year there was a class called Physical Alignment in which EVERYONE played a chosen sport(mostly soccer) for two hours once a week. When entering this program this is the one class that terrified me because it would be the first time since emergency back surgery that I would be active again. Not to mention I hate running.

I got to the internship and my fear was brilliantly heightened as I learned that our sport would be soccer and I would be running and playing alongside 3 people who played the sport on a regular basis, with one being a paid soccer player!

But then something began to happen. Every game there was one guy who would run alongside me and help me out, challenge me on my level, and encourage me. I scored goals, ran the field, and actually began to "play" soccer.

I am by no means an amazing soccer player and will most likely never play on a team for a league, but the game no longer intimidates me and I love encouraging others who are intimidated by the sport to join our game.

This is the problem I found with the above catch phrase. Having been an active player I noticed it is easy to see who is benching it. But having been one who has benched it I felt like I was an observer, someone sitting in the crowd watching the game.

Until . . .

Someone invited me to play. And when he invited me he didn't run off and leave me alone to fend for myself. He ran alongside me, helped me out, and encouraged me on my level.

For far too long in my faith my mindset has been one of a active player who can see the passive players sitting on the bench. Rather than inviting them into a game they don't think they can play, I have judged them. Which I am sure has caused many to remain on the sidelines thinking they were a part of the crowd watching a game they never thought they could play.
I am making a decision to be like the guy in my internship who laid down his pride and skill to lovingly push me into a sport I didn't think I could play.

Being an active player in my faith I am determined to lovingly encourage the side-liners and benched players. My faith is exciting, adventurous, and far more fascinating than most make it out to be. I am determined to live it to it's fullest and lovingly promote it to others in such a way that is inviting, not intimidating; challenging, not impossible; and mystical, not boring.

This is why I can't use that catch phrase, because I was once the passive benched player who hadn't been invited to play the game.

Seperation

What if the only thing seperating us and God was a door?

On the other side is a cozy chamber prepared for intimacy and unveiling. A place so ambient that vulnerability is not merely a question, but a sure-sounding whisper of intent. Every day you and I face this door. Are we willing to lay aside our offenses and defenses before we approach intimacy with our beloved? How many times has the lover of our souls looked beyond our fear and our pain and invited us anyways? He already knows we will walk in laden with armor and bleeding from our battle wounds. Will you let him strip away your walls of armor, get close to your wounds, and heal your broken soul?

Men: Are you willing to lay aside your pride, reputation, and image to be with your King? Will you allow yourself to become emotionally attached to your Maker? Will you allow your Maker to stir your heart with a passion that surely causes a man to kneel as great floods of emotion run over him resulting in tears, laughter, moaning, or some outward expression of emotion?

Women: Are you willing to put down your walls and allow him to take care of your heart? Might you consider that God is trustworthy enough to care for you in your vulnerability? That maybe he never intended for your heart to be as broken as it is? That maybe he is so in love with you that he desires for you to be satisfied and fulfilled as a woman?

Jesus is the man that made all of these things possible. Because God didn't want a door to seperate us, he sent His son, Jesus, to open that door to us that we may come before God boldly. God does desire every one of these thing for us, therefore we must only be willing to be vulnerable enough before him so that he can lift us from the despair we live in.

This is why we must work out our salvation with fear and trembling, because salvation is not an event, it is a relationship in which God takes us in our vulnerability and shows us the things that are hurting us and helps us to be free of them. Even if we think these things are who we are, we must be vulnerable enough to trust our Maker when he says it is not who we are. If Christ came to give life more abundantly, while we are in the arms of God, we must be willing to allow Him to show us the things we do to hurt ourselves, and then do whatever it takes to rid ourselves of them.

God will not force you to be vulnerable with Him. He will allow you to get as close as you want or to get as far away as you want. However, the closer you get, the more abundant life becomes.

If you could be free, would you want to be?

Boxes

Boxes are fantastic things really. They keep our 'stuff' organized, make our lives more 'simple', and it is easy to label them. That way we know EXACTLY what we will find when we open them up.

Boxes are fantastic things. Unless you put something in a box that wasn't intended to be in a box.

Like God.

He doesn't really like the box either. Most of us (including me) claim that we don't put Him in a box.
I mean, He's God right? I can't put God in a box!
But then I ask myself when the last time was I healed a sick person, cast out a demon, drank poison and didn't die? Mark 16 does say these signs will FOLLOW those who BELIEVE.

So maybe I did put Him in a box.

I think this is where things get just a little screwy. I think I have Him organized, simple, and labeled.
And He smiles at me and chuckles.

Then I open my labeled box and something comes out that WAS NOT ON THE LABEL!
In fact, so many things come out of the box, my concern is no longer what is coming out, but how much is coming out. ALL of THAT could ABSOLUTELY NOT fit into that box!

It's like a Mary Poppins convention inside that screwy little God box.

Because the box I put God in doesn't change who He is, it simply changes my perspective of who He is. I organize revival by what I know(which isn't much), simplify Him to what I understand(which is finite), and only believe what the label says on the outside (which I made).
The only problem with this box, is that I made it.

I organized Him. I simplified Him. I labeled Him.

So I am thinking that the problem with this little box is this: God fits in there just fine.

He's started a revolution inside that little sucker.
But because I made it and carry it around, I can't actually fit inside that box.

Now why on earth would I want to fit inside that screwy little box?
Because that's where ALL of the FUN God-stuff is happening.

Like . . .

Being with The One Who Loves YOU!
Encounters with the LIVING GOD
Freedom to be who I really am
Holy Spirit AWESOMENESS
Interaction with those who have been ordered to guard us and keep us from falling (Ps. 91:11-12), the winds which are messengers, and servants who are fire (Heb. 1:7).
Clearing out hospitals because everyone is well
Jail houses emptying out because of no more crime
Getting new idea's that have NEVER been seen
Receiving creative insight for my job
No more child abuse
No more divorces
No more broken people who have no hope.

Wow. That's quite a bit to stick inside a box I don't even fit into.

So . . .

I am getting rid of my little box because I can't fit inside of it.

And if I can't fit inside of it, then how am I going to share it with someone else?

Farewell for a Moment

Alas, this week the battery in my laptop bit the dust.
And I have been working on a lovely blog too.
I have so much I want to write about, but for a moment I must take time out to finish my internship. I will be finishing in the middle of June and most likely will not write until that time, due to the battery situation with my laptop.

My heart is bursting with lessons learned and revelation received! However, between the interns new schedule, the homework required this term, and less than a day for personal time, borrowing someone else's laptop will be a luxury reserved for papers that are due and assignments that are required.

Thank you for being such faithful readers! You have made a dream come true! I have always wanted to write things that cause people to think, change their perspective, or enlighten their journey through life. I hope when I pick back up in June (or for the surprise one liners until then) you will tune back in to my journey as I share through the written word.

Farewell for a moment, fellow mystics, until then.

Not Quite What it Seems

I keep thinking of how to share the Creator's latest act of faithfulness in my life.

I needed a minimum of $2600 by April 1st to be able to stay in the internship with a total of $5000 owed up to date. Monday afternoon someone called the school and made an anonymous donation of $5000 towards my bill.

I can write beautiful words to paint a picture of the depth of anguish my soul was facing in going home and the height of ecstasy and peace I encountered when all my fears were relieved. Yet it's not enough.

I have thought for 3 days how I should blog this past experience out. To use words to express height and depth of emotion and experience. I have thought and pondered and simply come to the realization of the fact that until the experience is real in your own lives, my experience cannot be fully understood.

All day Monday it was as if I was in mourning. I began crying when I awoke and did not stop for the duration of the day. I am not particularly inclined to be an emotionally unstable person. While I have found crying helps me to fully embrace an emotion I usually have a good one, work through the mental battle, and then simply move on. Monday was NOT one of those days. I have never experienced anything like it before. I was broken and dying on the inside. I can see how when people are faced with losing their dreams, they simply die on the inside. Life is over for them for life has no more purpose it holds no more reason to get up every morning. But one thing kept me from completely losing myself in the sorrow.

His promises.

I began to embrace my circumstances as my reality, when in fact, they were only circumstances. The reality was that the Creator had called me here, he would move heaven and earth to keep me here. I fought in a very real and overwhelming way an intense battle of the mind. I kept hearing that I wasn't good enough, I had missed it, and God was not going to provide. However, this is not what the Creator had been telling me. If you don't have a bible, I encourage you to go find one and read the book of Ruth. Pay attention to chapter 3. At the end of chapter 3 Naomi tells Ruth that Boaz will not let the day end without the matter being settled. That was God's promise to me. He would be my Boaz and he would take care of things for me.

That, I suppose, is what it means to be taken care of. Rescued. Delighted in.

That is why he waits for me. To rescue me. Delight in me. Provide for me. This is what he desires for all those who walk the face of the earth. However, each person has their own journey in this. That is why I can write beautiful words to express height and depth of emotion and experience and you read it like a nice little story. Because

the Creator MUST be experienced ON YOUR OWN.

Until that time the faith I have chosen to profess just isn't quite what it seems because it was intended to be walked out in experience and encounter with the living God, the One who loves us the most. So, in my prayer for those who read this, if the journey gets rocky and rough, run to Jesus. There is no end to his goodness and his patience in waiting for us to let him in. And when you feel as if you are dying on the inside, know it is the process of separating within us who we think we are from who we are created to be.

More than anything I want to believe him and to be able to come to that place my reality has to change. I need a paradigm shift from thinking my circumstances are my reality to knowing that everything isn't quite what it seems, because his hand is always at work.

The Luxury of a Desert

I know I haven't written in a bit. Sorry. When I started out on this journey of experiencing the mystical side of my chosen faith I had some idea of what I would walk through, but no real clear understanding. Over the past two months of not blogging I have walked through some things where I am having to choose whether or not to share openly about my experiences.

This is why the desert fathers' hung out in the desert, because their experiences were so personal, so profound, they didn't want to share. They simply wanted to hang out in the desert alone and have more experiences. So do I. However, I do not have the luxury of a desert or the calling to go find one.

So I have chosen to share what I can communicate with words.

I am learning that walking out a mystical lifestyle which encounters the supernatural side of my faith requires constant positioning of the heart. I recently learned that every process I go through is simply a situation that has been designed to position my heart where it needs to be to hear and receive the fullness of what God has for me.

Every situation.

Then someone shared with me that if this is truly the case, then I have the opportunity to position my heart without going through the situations.

So, I have been busy positioning my heart. I am rearranging my finances. I am changing my mindsets and asking the questions I didn't want answers to.

Then God began to show me how he views me.

Did you know that he waits for us? He doesn't violate us by coming in and taking over. If I have a wall between me and him, then he waits for me to move it.

He waits for me.

I don't think I have ever been waited for. He is sitting patiently on the other side of all of this junk waiting for me to remove it so he can be for me what I cannot be for myself. I have found that I hold him at a distance for fear that he will leave me, when all he has done my whole life is patiently wait. Just for me.

I have also found that in positioning my heart to receive from God in every way, I can and have, come to the end of myself. I can do nothing else to advance myself in my own life. I fully expect that the One who loves me most is my answer and will explode on me here shortly. And I fully expect to come to this time once again, where I have reached the end of myself.

This is the part where I am learning to be rescued. I reach the end of myself and find that I am not enough. I never have been and never will be enough to propel myself into the destiny the Creator has for me. I have to be rescued from myself. From thinking I can do it on my own and that everything will be fine if I can just 'fix it'. I need him. In a very desperate way. And in return, he loves me in a very desperate way.

I am about to be rescued by the One who loves me most.

If I could share anything with you that can take many a lifetime to learn, it would be, to let Jesus in to rescue you from yourself. It is not an intelligent decision in which information sets our intellect at ease. It is a spiritual encounter in which we expose our deepest fears and greatest dreams and we allow the breath of heaven to wash away the fears and explode life into the dreams. It is a journey that takes a lifetime to walk and gives us a destiny to fulfill. It is the hope of Jesus Christ made manifest through his people.

Death's Cold Blow

The day after I chose to die I woke up totally numb emotionally, which is rather rare being an incredibly sensitive person. I couldn't feel a thing. It was as if I was lying on my back on the bottom of a lake. It was murky and there was a consistent constant pressure all around me. This is how it felt even while spending time with God. I flipped through my bible and began to read what I had underlined in the past and this is what stood out to me. (PS. 62:5-6; 66:16-20; 68:12&20)

Let all that I am wait quietly before God for my hope is in Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation my fortress where I will not be shaken.

Come and listen all you who fear God and I will tell you what He did for me!

For I cried out to Him for help, praising Him as I spoke. If I had not confessed the sin in my heart the Lord would not have listened.

But God DID listen!! He paid attention to my prayer!!

Praise God who did not ignore my prayer or withdraw His unfailing love from me. Enemy kings and their armies flee, while the women of Israel divide the plunder.

Our God is a God who saves!! The sovereign Lord rescues us from death!!

At the end of the day I got what I needed to stay in my missions program. It was like watching someone gasp for air. I was raised from the bottom of the lake and life breathed into me once again. While it was a complete relief to know I was staying and God wanted me here, the battle is not over. I am still on the front lines pushing through to see others be at the very place I just came from.

And I am still pushing through to stay. I have enough for February and I am fighting to stay for the following 5 months. It helps knowing God wants me here. So here I will stay. Because Jesus is in the resurrection business and He resurrected me AND my dreams.

Open Heart Surgery

Lament: to grieve, wail, weep, moan.

I discovered dreams recently that I have held in my heart for quite sometime. In the process of positioning myself for God to provide for me to stay in my missions program, those dreams are very exposed. And I have realized something.

I don't trust God with my dreams.

I am afraid that I won't raise the $1350 monthly support I need in the next 2 days and my heart I so vulnerably and blindly placed in God's hand will experience a violence only death is familiar with. I so eagerly sought out dreams I didn't know I had only to discover if I trust God with them, He might take them away.

So here I am in the ER with my heart open and exposed to the One Who Loves me most. And I have a choice. I can trust Him with my dreams or I can try and do it on my own.

As much as I want to do things on my own and make my dreams happen, I know that if dreams die in that situation, they get buried and stay dead.

If. If I choose to trust these fragile dreams to the One Who Loves me most, He has the option of deciding when and where they happen. But I know that if my dreams die in this situation, they have a better chance of being raised from the dead looking better then ever. Because that is what Jesus does, ladies and gentlemen, He raises the dead.

Anything that is dead. Dreams, people, idea's, hope, love, and faith.

I spoke with my mom in the middle of my lament about this open heart surgery. The wise one said this. A vision must die like a seed before it can grow. So just die already. Die. Get it over with because then you can be resurrected. Because Jesus is in the resurrection business.

I have flat lined in that ER room. I am dying and my dreams are dying with me. I am choosing to believe that the One Who Loves me most is going to save me. Even if I am having trouble trusting Him with the desires of my heart.

Farewell dear friends. May I see you on the other side of dying dreams.

Upon Waking

In the culture my faith creates around me dreaming is encouraged greatly. Where you believe there are no impossibilities because of the One you believe in. So I have dreamed many dreams.
Big ones. Impossible for myself to accomplish. Long and hard the tales I have weaved in my mind of all the things I desire to do.

And I have heard that these dreams will soon become reality. Soon.

So this is where I find myself. Waking from sleep where I have dreamed deeply. Upon waking I am in this awkward transition of struggling to determine where my dream has ended and where my reality begins.

Then it dawns on me. This is what the God I serve is all about. He created me and many of the dreams I have He has placed in my heart. When I submit those dreams to Him, He perfects them and then helps me to accomplish all the dreams He has placed in me.

I am waking up and finding the dreams I have spent years praying over and working towards are not dreams any more. They are realities within reach.

Upon waking I find my dreams are becoming my realities when I walk with the One Who Loves me most.