Monday, January 25, 2010

Death's Cold Blow

The day after I chose to die I woke up totally numb emotionally, which is rather rare being an incredibly sensitive person. I couldn't feel a thing. It was as if I was lying on my back on the bottom of a lake. It was murky and there was a consistent constant pressure all around me. This is how it felt even while spending time with God. I flipped through my bible and began to read what I had underlined in the past and this is what stood out to me. (PS. 62:5-6; 66:16-20; 68:12&20)

Let all that I am wait quietly before God for my hope is in Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation my fortress where I will not be shaken.

Come and listen all you who fear God and I will tell you what He did for me!

For I cried out to Him for help, praising Him as I spoke. If I had not confessed the sin in my heart the Lord would not have listened.

But God DID listen!! He paid attention to my prayer!!

Praise God who did not ignore my prayer or withdraw His unfailing love from me. Enemy kings and their armies flee, while the women of Israel divide the plunder.

Our God is a God who saves!! The sovereign Lord rescues us from death!!

At the end of the day I got what I needed to stay in my missions program. It was like watching someone gasp for air. I was raised from the bottom of the lake and life breathed into me once again. While it was a complete relief to know I was staying and God wanted me here, the battle is not over. I am still on the front lines pushing through to see others be at the very place I just came from.

And I am still pushing through to stay. I have enough for February and I am fighting to stay for the following 5 months. It helps knowing God wants me here. So here I will stay. Because Jesus is in the resurrection business and He resurrected me AND my dreams.


Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Open Heart Surgery

Lament: to grieve, wail, weep, moan.

I discovered dreams recently that I have held in my heart for quite sometime. In the process of positioning myself for God to provide for me to stay in my missions program, those dreams are very exposed. And I have realized something.

I don't trust God with my dreams.

I am afraid that I won't raise the $1350 monthly support I need in the next 2 days and my heart I so vulnerably and blindly placed in God's hand will experience a violence only death is familiar with. I so eagerly sought out dreams I didn't know I had only to discover if I trust God with them, He might take them away.

So here I am in the ER with my heart open and exposed to the One Who Loves me most. And I have a choice. I can trust Him with my dreams or I can try and do it on my own.

As much as I want to do things on my own and make my dreams happen, I know that if dreams die in that situation, they get buried and stay dead.

If. If I choose to trust these fragile dreams to the One Who Loves me most, He has the option of deciding when and where they happen. But I know that if my dreams die in this situation, they have a better chance of being raised from the dead looking better then ever. Because that is what Jesus does, ladies and gentlemen, He raises the dead.

Anything that is dead. Dreams, people, idea's, hope, love, and faith.

I spoke with my mom in the middle of my lament about this open heart surgery. The wise one said this. A vision must die like a seed before it can grow. So just die already. Die. Get it over with because then you can be resurrected. Because Jesus is in the resurrection business.

I have flat lined in that ER room. I am dying and my dreams are dying with me. I am choosing to believe that the One Who Loves me most is going to save me. Even if I am having trouble trusting Him with the desires of my heart.

Farewell dear friends. May I see you on the other side of dying dreams.



Monday, January 11, 2010

Upon Waking

In the culture my faith creates around me dreaming is encouraged greatly. Where you believe there are no impossibilities because of the One you believe in. So I have dreamed many dreams.
Big ones. Impossible for myself to accomplish. Long and hard the tales I have weaved in my mind of all the things I desire to do.

And I have heard that these dreams will soon become reality. Soon.

So this is where I find myself. Waking from sleep where I have dreamed deeply. Upon waking I am in this awkward transition of struggling to determine where my dream has ended and where my reality begins.

Then it dawns on me. This is what the God I serve is all about. He created me and many of the dreams I have He has placed in my heart. When I submit those dreams to Him, He perfects them and then helps me to accomplish all the dreams He has placed in me.

I am waking up and finding the dreams I have spent years praying over and working towards are not dreams any more. They are realities within reach.

Upon waking I find my dreams are becoming my realities when I walk with the One Who Loves me most.