The Pain of Trust

In my life I have experienced a lot of hurt. Some by unrealistic expectations. Some by my own insecurity. Some by taking offense at something that didn't even affect me. But most of my hurt has come from people. I assume most hurt anyone has experienced comes from people. In the midst of dealing with all of it I have become very familiar with two questions:

1. Do I trust Yahweh to work out in that person what needs to be worked out?

2. Do I trust Yahweh to use the situation to expose in me whatever needs to be dealt with?

At the heart of these questions lies the core question: Do I trust Yahweh?

People aren't perfect and neither are situations and even less is communication. So with all of this imperfection I have come to terms with the fact that I cannot change the imperfect but the perfect can change me. This is why I must trust Yahweh, the Perfection of Heaven and Earth, because he can change anything. 

Over the past 6 months I have struggled with a lot of hurt. Things have not turned out as I had hoped and then things I didn't even see coming caught me square in the gut. Sitting on my bum in the dirt with all of the air knocked out of me is a really good idea of how I have felt over the past 6 weeks.

I don't understand why I am where I am. And why I am here if Yahweh has placed it in my heart to be elsewhere? Why later and not now? Why me? Why? 

And yet Yahweh asks, 'Do you trust me?'

I want to scream, "NO!!!!!!!!!!! It hurts too much to trust you!!!!!!! You take away my dreams and ruin my life!!! I lose friends and family over you!!!!!! No, it hurts. It just hurts too much."

But I don't. Because I remember. 

I remember when I needed $5,000 and it miracoulously appeared. 

Or when I had emergency back surgery and the Dr said I might never walk again, but I do. 

Or when I had no money to pay for the$20,000 surgery and still haven't paid a dime.

Or when I needed a car and someone gave me one.

Or when I had gold dust on my hands for a week.

Or when I had no job and EVERYTIME Yahweh has provided one.

Or when I had nothing to give and he gave me something so I could give.

Or when I prayed for someone and they were healed.

Or when I prayed for someone and they spoke in tongues.

Or when I prayed for someone and they were set free. 

Or when, someday, I pray for the one who died before their time and they will come back to life.

I remember I trust Yahweh because he is good. Even when it hurts. Even when I feel that I have lost my dreams and life is going no where. Even when I feel I am losing my friends and my family to follow him. Even when I feel like I have no reason left to live. I trust him. I trust him because he has captivated me. I can not go back to living a normal life because I have found that the pain and the hurt is only the middle of the story. 

The glory of the end of the story always overshadows the pain and loss. Always. Because with Yahweh, the end of the story is always greater than I could have ever made out for myself. Yahweh and I have a game. I make up the best I can dream up and let him know what it is that I want. Then he takes the best I could think up, tweaks it a little bit, holds on to it for a bit, and then hands it back. In that small amount of handling my dream has turned into something I wish I had the creativity to dream up. I mean. A one dimension story has turned into so many dimensions I can't keep up and the wonder just keeps comin. 

Then I realize I have become one who dreams with the Creator.

And that's why I trust him even when it hurts and doesn't make sense. Because in the end we still dream together and everything turns out in such a way that I can't even imagine where the next story will take me.

So know, that it is not that if I trust him I don't hurt. It is simply that I have seen such things that it has overshadowed my pain. In seeing the things I have, it has healed my hurt. In walking where I have and experiencing the things I have, it has made me whole again. 

Because he really is who he says he is.