Sunday, March 20, 2011

Drowning

I have come to realize that about this time last year I made reference to a term I used to define my season. As I have had an opportunity to look back and ponder that season it has occurred to me that I did not define for you what I could barely define for myself. It felt like drowning, but I never was really clear on what was occurring. I can say that I 'feel' like I am drowning, but to define it is another matter entirely. 
Looking back, this is what was happening.

Last year about this time I was made to face a sea of crap I had gotten myself into with a very small leaky boat. I will openly admit I am not a genius with finances and in a season of not trusting Yahweh to provide for me, I acquired debt. I had a back injury which ended in emergency back surgery. During that whole season my lack of trust in Yahweh's provision for me caused me to get into credit card debt. Although Yahweh covered the cost of surgery, I still had to pick up some ER tabs. Not to mention all of the other bills of months without a job in between. Then I had to have a car for the two jobs I was working to get out of all this distrust I had buried myself in.

I was doing really well until Yahweh did what he always does with me. He told me to go. He called me to an internship that told me not to come if I had debt. I knew if I went I was acquiring more debt by attending a school I couldn't pay for and hadn't been able to raise the funding for. Yahweh said go.
So I went.

I left both jobs, my family, my friends, and all I knew for an internship I couldn't pay for in a place I legally could not work. Because Yahweh said go.

PAUSE
read the rest of this blog before you freak out.
PLAY

One year ago I was in the middle of my drowning. But the drowning was the reality of the mistrust I had towards the one I told everyone I followed. I told everyone I followed Jesus. And yet, my bank account proved otherwise. My bank account said I did not trust him to give me what I needed. That I depended on myself for everything. That I didn't think he was big enough. That Yahweh wasn't who he said he was.

I had taken a class through the internship that taught about the order of finances. It taught on what you pay first. Tithing, offering, saving and so on. Not only had I been racking up debt, but I had been paying things out of order, because I didn't trust Yahweh. I was putting some bills in front of others and it wasn't right.
So I stepped out.
I had money for ONE bill. So I paid the one Yahweh told me to, not the one I thought I should. And that was it. No more money. It was gone. My life was over. I was a failure because I couldn't pay my bills. I had done EVERYTHING Yahweh had asked and my bank account was empty. 
Until I needed it. 
Until slowly but surely money began to flood in to cover the bills I couldn't pay for. 
Yahweh began to provide for me financially, when I could not provide for myself.

My drowning was facing all of the wrong and bad decisions I had made. Realizing all of the consequences I would have to face and knowing that I could not run or hide. I would go to bed feeling like death only to wake to another day of hopelessness because I was in a position where I was facing my utter deficiency without Yahweh. 

And then I died.

I woke up and realized I made those bad decisions. I was going to have to face it and make good decisions. I had to make the hard decisions of fighting my way out. No one could do it for me. No one could make it go away. I had to change.

So I did. 

I made endless phone calls with hours of counsel of how to go about working through all this financial mess I had gotten myself into. I went to people I KNEW had good, solid, financial wisdom. Then I put it into practice. I didn't just listen and then do my own thing. I asked wise people, I sought Yahweh, and I made the hard decisions.

I graduated that school not owing them a dime.
I did end up turning my car back over to the bank because I couldn't pay for it.
And I am working my tail off to be out of debt very soon.

Every step of the way I now realize I can't do this alone. I was hurting myself and would eventually be hurting the family I started.  If I am not good in a certain area I NEED someone who is. To walk me through it and help me change. To teach me what I don't know. I am willing to make mistakes knowing I am still learning. However, I also know that now that I trust Yahweh more, he can trust me with more.

If you are drowning (by my definition), you made a lot of bad decisions. The wonderful thing is that you made those decisions based off of a lie you believe about yourself or your Creator. Understand that you need to accept the fact that you ACTIVELY participated in making decisions that are hurting you and possibly other people. This lesson cost me GREATLY in the area of pride. However, I humbled myself, sought forgiveness, and changed my ways. 

Drowning is not fun. It is an eye opening experience exposing to us the futility of depending on ourselves. It brings us to the death of our unwillingness to become mature, responsible children of Yahweh full of character and integrity. It is a stout and solid lesson which I do not envy but highly value and treasure.

Drowning is the wake up call to be who you were created to be and not the lie you believe about yourself.

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