Partnering with the Creator

This journey I am on to understanding the faith I so valiantly profess has been a long one marked with sacrifice, challenges, heartaches, and sweet, sweet revelations of the One the Who Loves me the Most. One of the most recent revelations has been one of the most challenging. Paul said, show me your faith without deeds and I will show you my faith by what I do. And therein lies one of the biggest paradox's of following Jesus. We cannot earn our grace because it is a gift, yet if we are under grace our works will prove it.

I have always been one to be independent and make things work on my own. I am learning that this is not the way of the One Who Loves me Most. I am not supposed to learn how to deal, cope, or make it through. I am supposed to run to Him in everything as if He were my only hope, because, after all, He is.

When I left on this journey in August I left my family, friends, job, home, and the only country I knew. I was assured through many different ways that this is what God wanted. Now I find myself in a financial pickle. Expecting God to provide for what two jobs were covering.

I, in no way, have my life together as I would like. I came to this place letting Jesus know, that while I was being obedient to His call, I wanted to take care of some financial obligations at home with a one year interim between the call and my active obedience. He still said go. One thing I have learned is that when God says go, it doesn't matter what state your bank account, love life, or health is in, you pick up and go. So I did.

In the past three months as I have sought to raise financial support like a missionary, I have found why it is so difficult to be one. I have labored in prayer, repentance, and humility in what I should do to raise a financial support team who wants to join me on this journey and help me realize God's heart to so many people.

Over this holiday break I was asked to seek God for a strategy to raise the money I am in need of to stay in the missions program I am currently enrolled in. I was devastated. My mind began to race trying to come up with an answer I hadn't already concluded.

Then it hit me.

God isn't sitting on His throne in heaven waiting for me to come up with some fantastic plan on my own, in my own strength and in my own striving. He is sitting right next to me eagerly awaiting my request to know what His plan is. He has a plan and within that plan everything I need and more will be provided for me. And it's not something I have to beat myself over the head for. I simply be still and know He is God. He is exactly who He says He is.

He is my provider. The One Who Loves me Most. The One Who Loves me in such extravagance that He wants to give me more then just what I need. He wants to take care of me. Above and beyond my hopes and dreams.

So I stopped striving and I started waiting. I am still waiting and listening for His strategy. But I am no longer under any stress or pressure, because I am not working alone. I simply take the hand of the One Who Created the Universe and He shows me the way.

And then my life is together. Like never before.
Because I fell apart at His feet knowing He is my only hope.

Traveling for the Holidays

I am experiencing many firsts this Christmas. First time away from home. First time to ride a bus. First time to see snow in the month of December. I am nervous and excited all at once. I knew leaving the Institute for Spiritual Development that while I would not have class, that I still had lessons to learn about my faith.

On the bus ride to my destination I was able to stare out giant windows at snow kissed mountains and sculptures of once flowing waterfalls. Following the winding highway brought us in and out of white frosted pines and semi-iced creeks and rivers. As I gazed at the fog hovering over the mountains I was sure that as we passed through a pocket of this mystical fog I would be instantly transported to another dimension. Suddenly, I was.

If you can imagine Narnia right after Aslan had come and the ice had started to melt. Between rushing waters and ice glazed rock faces I found myself longing to be the elvin princess in Lord of the Rings. Even Princesses have lessons to learn.

This princess already knows the lessons she has to learn over break. I have to learn how to receive and how to be taken care of. Now I am sure most of you would wonder why I have such an issue with these two things. Surely it can't be that difficult. However, for quite some time I have found my safety and security in not being in a position to need anyone. Both lessons require involvement of another person. Both lessons give me a perfect understanding of how much I need my Creator.

It sure has been easy to learn how to get along on my own. To work and make money. To have the sweet illusion that I am in control. ha ha Sweet, sweet illusion.

I am not in control. I cannot take care of myself. I need other people. I need to receive from them and be taken care of by them. Which puts me in a very vulnerable place. My heart has been broken there before. More than once. Yet here I am again. Learning to live in this place of vulnerability and need. A Princess in need. Not helpless and incapable, but having a strength in realizing that she cannot do it on her own. I cannot do it on my own.

That is my lesson over this holiday. As I have traveled to this beautiful place where mystical stories lay just beyond the next bend, I am determined to learn my spiritual lessons for this season.

Positioning for Justice

I am learning about a spiritual concept called positioning yourself for justice. Basically I learn about the ways of God and then follow them. Then when something gets you in a hard spot God can act on your behalf in justice because of your position.

For instance:

I am currently learning how to be a good steward of finances. About two years ago I didn't trust God and depended on a different way then his. Now I am not justified for him to act on my behalf because I chose to not do things his way. To re-position myself for him to act on my behalf and to provide for me financially, I have to repent of not trusting him. So I did. Now I am working through my bad decisions knowing God is justified to act on my behalf and provide for me as I live by faith because I have positioned myself correctly.

In every area of my life I am asking God to help me position myself for his justice. If I repent and turn from what he reveals to me then I am opening myself up for God to provide for me in ways I can't even imagine. He continues to tell me that he wants to provide in crazy awesome ways and I want to see it. However, I must remove from my life what is not pleasing to him so that it makes room for what he wants to give me.

I am looking forward to posting a follow up on this concept of positioning for justice. I can't wait to let God blow me away with what he has for me.

Here @ ISD

I am currently enrolled in the Institute for Spiritual Development and this is what a normal week will look like.

Monday
9am-9pm
work duty, class, study, worship, work out.

Tuesday
9am-9pm
same

Wednesday
9am-9pm
Same

Thursday
9am-9pm
same

Friday
9am-5.30pm
same

These times don't include getting ready for the day, time for homework, quiet time, working out, homework projects, book readings, book reports, or personal stuff like calling the fam or doing laundry.

Needless to say when learning about spiritual development life is very full.

Finding God

I am at the place that people usually find God. At the very end of myself where everything is totally out of my control. On the edge of losing what I can barely grasp as my perceptions of reality slowly and surely slip right through my fingers.

Again and again I have asked that God use me to display His manifest glory on this earth. That I might be proof to all I come in contact with that God indeed exists. He is undeniable. Always.

So here I am. In the middle of that prayer. The difficult reality of that prayer is that to be a living reality of who God is will always place me in impossible situations that I cannot rescue myself from.

I cannot rescue myself. Ever.

Is it the end of the world if I sell my car and lose good standing with financial institutions? No. Not really. But it sure is the end of a good witness. Sometimes I wonder what kind of a witness I am. Constantly getting into situations I cannot get myself out of. Silly humanity.

This is why I need a God whose love is never ending and everlasting. I can make the best decisions I can with all the counsel I have access to and I still end up in need. Because I need Him. Because I will always need Him.

So here I am in the middle of a deadly prayer while I feel like the world is coming to end and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Nothing.

I am waiting. I have done all I know to do and now I wait. I am waiting for the end of the prayer where I ask to be an example. At the end of that prayer God again proves who He is. In spite of my humanity and constant need of rescuing, He still saves me. Not because I am testing His love by making bad decisions over and over, but by doing all I know to do with what He has taught me and letting him fill in the rest.

So here it is. He is about to fill in the rest. Are you ready to see that God is who He says He is?

Learning the ways of Ruach

In the system of faith I profess to there is God the Father, Jesus the Son, and Ruach the Holy Spirit. There is much known about God the Father and Jesus the Son, but very little understanding or knowledge on Ruach the Holy Spirit. I am learning about the Holy Spirit and his personality. He is a person. Not male or female. The comforter, the teacher, and the promise. Although the Holy Spirit is very powerful and extremely strong, he is also INCREDIBLY sensitive.

Growing up I was a very spiritually aware child. I dealt with many fears and insecurities. It took me a long time to work through a very long and deep shy stage. As I got older I found that some of my awareness faded, but only because I was consistently approached and told I was overly sensitive. While I do believe children must learn how to control their emotions and not be ruled by them, I have also learned that children can lose their sensitivity by the introduction of fears and doubts by the adults and peers that surround them.

So to survive and not be "overly sensitive", I shut down and hardened my heart.

As I have opened myself up to what the Spirit wants to teach me here I am learning to be like him. To walk closely to him and to be constantly aware of what he is speaking to me. About 3 weeks ago my world exploded in this pursuit of relationship with the Holy Spirit.

Almost a year ago I heard a story about a small child and his father. The father had been over-hearing the son talking to himself and in speaking with the child learned that the child was having conversations with an angel. In seeking wisdom in how to handle the situation the father asked his spiritual leader what should be done. The leader encouraged him to question the child on their interaction. So one day the father hears the son again having a conversation with an unseen person. The father enters and asks who the son is speaking to and the child again says an angel. The father asks him where the angel is and the son points to the area of the room the angel is in. The father then asks the small child why the child can see the angel and the father cannot. The child inquires and responds by saying that the father had seen too much evil and his heart had become calloused. But if he worked on being sensitive his heart would soften and he would be able to see again. The child was only 4.

I have sought God for many years for my eyes to be opened again. Slowly but surely I am awakening from the slumber I thought would save me.
A slumber that only made me blind.

I want to share what that looks like on a practical level. For me personally there are many movies I cannot watch or music I cannot listen to. Because I am not strong enough? No. Because I am sensitive. The best way I can think of to describe this is a man who is strong and silent. Think of a football player. He tackles in strength and power but you put his child on the line and he is in tears. The tears don't make him weak, they simply display his sensitivity. I know I am an extremely strong woman. I have fought many battles that have brought my level of skill above my age. Yet my heart still breaks when I see fellow warriors suffer. There is much pain in life but I am determined to allow my heart to break when God's heart breaks, no matter how much it hurts.

When I allow my heart to break when God's heart breaks, then I begin to see what God can see. More then anything in life I am determined to see what God can see and what Ruach the holy Spirit wants me to see.

Crazy in LOVE

I have finally met a man. One I trust completely and without hindrance.
EVERY STINKIN DAY he tells me how amazing I am.

We already have this little thing we do. Wherever we go he points out beauty to me and then tells me how it is a reflection of who God created me to be. He is tender and compassionate. He gently points out the incorrect mindsets I have and is graciously helping me overcome them.

He is also strong. I don't get away with squat. He lets me know exactly where he stands and we are honest with each other so that there is no guessing game in our relationship. I don't like surprises that much but he has assured me that all of his surprises are good. All of his surprises are good.

He stretches me to face my fears while holding me tight to protect me. He speaks truth into the lies I have believed for so very long. Little by little every day I am beginning to believe him. I am beginning to believe that:

I am lovable.
I am beautiful.
I am a warrior and I am a princess.
I am hug-able.
I am a delight.
I need someone to take care of me.

This is an overwhelming process. To be loved. To be desired and wanted. To know that every moment I sleep and every moment I am awake there is someone madly, desperately in love with who I am. The amazing thing is, he is in love with you too.

This is the faith I profess. That the One I love created me to love him back and ALL of history is the story of this epic romance. Again and again I run, fearful that he will find out what he already knows. I can't live without him. I can't live without Jesus.

Jesus is the one who speaks to all my dreams. He calls my destiny into fullness and hope into my heart. He breathes life into broken places and restores painful journeys.

He is the one that knows what I love. What things stir my heart. What moves me to compassion. He speaks to the deepest parts of me that no one else can see and helps me to realize that He can see me. He can hear me. He knows me. and He desires every bit of it.

He told me I was coming here to fall in love all over again.
And I have.
Totally and completely crazy in love with Jesus.

Dreamer

I have this dream. Not a dream I have at night, but one I have in my heart.

I have grown up in church. I have heard bible stories ALL MY LIFE.

But that is all they were, stories. It became my dream to know that everything the bible says is true and real and God is who He says He is and I am who He says I am. This is why I am on the journey I am. I want to know God for who He really is, not what my culture says, or church leaders, or even limit Him by what I know of Him through the word.

Last weekend I saw that God really is who He says He is. He still moves in mighty and awesome ways. I was healed last weekend of a long time issue with heart palpitations. I never told anyone because I don't have the time or money to focus on that simple thing. Besides, what you focus on you make room for, right?

Have you ever really read through the old testament in the bible? Did you know most of your hero stories come from it? The Incredible Hulk is after Samson. Cinderella is after Esther. Noah and the people of his time were the first to see rain. Moses lead an entire nation out of bondage. But even more than these are the wonders.

Elijah was taken up in a whirlwind. Enoch walked with God and was no more. Jonah was swallowed by a fish. Ravens fed Elijah. Jacob saw a ladder with angels ascending and descending from heaven. Daniel held a conversation with the archangel Michael and was then in a den with hungry lions who couldn't eat him. And that's just the well known stuff.

My desire is to know God and have these stories be my own. Because then God is who He says He is and I am who He says I am.

This is my current meditation:
God is who He says He is.
I am who God says I am.
EVERYTHING in the bible is for me today.

I am preparing myself to experience some pretty crazy awesome stuff just because these are the things I want to believe.
Power encounters where I remove myself and let God prove himself in a completely undeniable way.

The Simple Life

For a long, long time I have had a personal perspective that the supernatural workings of Jesus Christ were intended to be practical provision for His people. Such as, if you are sick, healing comes because that is how He provides for us.

I am currently living in an entire community of people who have chosen to live this way whether or not they understand the theology behind it.

Monday through Friday of last week God multiplied our food EVERY SINGLE DAY. Technically we counted the servings and there WAS NOT ENOUGH by our calculations! I always knew God was better at math than I was.

There has not passed a day that I am not prayed for. Not typical "Jesus loves you" prayers either. Destiny prayers. Prayers that speak to your deepest fears and set you free. Prayers that speak to your deepest desires to confirm they are really from God. Prayers that define who you are according the the Heart of the One Who is Madly in Love with His people.

I cry all the time. While I cook, when I go to bed, when I rise, when I worship, when the teacher is speaking, when I am alone, when I am in a group. So much that I have believed about myself has been a lie!!!!! And the very things I want to believe are truly how He looks at me.

All the while I am learning the language of God. Everything around me speaks of Him. What I paint, the pots I cook with, the food I eat, the conversations I have, the way I breath is a testimony to the One I love. Imagine freeing up yourself to believe that the things that are happening to you are speaking to your life. They aren't merely "life", God is speaking to me and I get to figure out what He is saying.

I have experienced time slowing down for us. Seriously. My roomie experienced the supernatural growth of her leg by an inch. As an intern I am experiencing transformation right in front of my eyes.

I am learning on an even deeper level, who I am, just because I am living simply. I listen to God, grow in what He speaks to me; cook natural, healthy food; clean; and take time for God to change the order in which it all happens. Because when I live simply I begin to see God in everything. Why I stopped at that red light. Why I missed that person by 3 seconds. Why I changed the meal plan. Why I made that phone call. Why I got that shirt.
The One I love is constantly weaving a tapestry of my life and if I live a simple one I can actually be a part of the process instead of seeing the whole thing at the end of my life.

This is what it means to live a simple life.
This is how we learn the languages of God, because we have time.

Foreign Language

I am at a missions school. We have foreign languages offered here. They are a bit unusual, but languages we can all learn to speak. Such as . . .

Music
Art
Movies
Dreams
Dance

That which you focus on you make room for.
My teacher said that today. Think about it. I had to for a bit.

If I focus on the fact Jesus is alive and it is His desire for heaven to invade the earth, then I am making room for lives to be transformed, hope to be birthed, and dreams to be restored.

Even a bit deeper than that though, I am learning that if I have the ability to change an atmosphere (which we all do) then learning a language that those in darkness speak, can't change me. Because it's not my language and my focus is bringing heaven to earth.

So we are encouraged to listen to secular music. Watch movies. Read books by those who have opposing world views. Appreciate art that might or might not have been inspired by God.

Why?

Because this is the foreign language.

We are intended to bring heaven to earth. If we focus on the One we love, it doesn't matter where we are, who we are with, or what we are seeing. What matters is what we are doing to change the negative atmosphere those things have already created.

The earth groans in anticipation for the coming of Love. It welcomes the change I bring. When I can learn to change enough atmosphere, barren land will yield crops, droughts will be dispelled, and crime will diminish. Then, who can deny the One I love?

I must come from a place of intimacy with the Yahweh, Yeshua, and Ruach. That is and always will be my strength. Whatever my focus is I will make room for. After that, I am encouraged to learn the language of this world. To speak it well and boldly.

Only when you are fluent in the language of the people you are trying to reach, can you truly communicate the hope which they so desperately need.

One Hour

One a month on a Monday night we have a monastic meal. Simple soup, bread, and complete silence for an hour.

We commune with God together. We commune with God alone.

No eye contact. No words. One hour.

Can you imagine what kind of sensitivity this cultivates in our spirits? I can't even imagine.
This Monday is our first one and I am intrigued to see what God does.

I am beginning to love silence. To sit and be still. To know. To hear the sweet words from His mouth drip like honey into my spirit. For my understanding to be blown wide open with revelation on who He is, just because I was silent.

Play Room

Training here is a bit different from what I am used to. This is a picture I got while thinking of how to describe it.

Imagine a play room filled with wonderful and exciting toys. You have waited a long time to go in and play and finally you get to go in. The leader then takes you in and all of the toys are either behind glass or roped off. Like a museum. This leader then takes you around and points out all these toys and gives a history of them and what they were used for. However, you never really get to touch anything because apparently these toys are dangerous.

I came to a school where the leader has taken us into the play room and there is no glass or ropes.
The toys are intended to be used and played with, even if they are a little dangerous. That's the point of playing isn't it? You give kids hammers and tiara's and someday these kids build our homes and run our countries. Imagine what would happen if we roped off God's gifts to His kids and told everyone they were dangerous or not for now.

Oh wait, I already have.

Out of a desire to be safe I have discouraged friends and family from experiencing the fullness of God. And by the way, He is dangerous. But He is also good. He is very good.

So I am here in a playroom with all of God's wonderful toys and I am learning how to use them the way they were created to be used.

This is my prayer for those who are supporting me in finances and in prayer. That we would enter God's play room and discover the greatness he has for us in His kingdom WITHOUT fear.
Here we go.

Reality vs. Reality

Today I crossed the Canadian border with a dream in my heart, a vision in my mind, and a promise in my hand.

Alas, these are not currencies in this strange land called earth.

I seem to have fallen in love with a God who calls me to impossible things. Today I have been overwhelmed with the impossibilities of the reality I currently call my home. All the while walking confidently in that He knew when He called me here, the needs I am faced with He has already taken care of. I just haven't seen it yet, because I don't need it yet.

I was not able to acquire the visa I needed due to lack of paperwork. I then find out that currently the school is not converting monies because of the exchange rate and therefore tuition is much higher than originally planned for. I am of course also faced with the fact that I have no money to return to the land which I come from. The place my family lives, the place my friends are, the place I call home.

Again, I am reminded:

I have decided to follow Jesus. No turning back, no turning back.

So here I am . In yet another impossible situation that I actually asked my Beloved to put me in. Many ask why I would request to be in a place of impossibility. Because then and only then is His beautiful glory displayed in one wrecked for His Pleasure. Because I am constantly exposed the the reality that lasts forever opposed to the one that currently holds impossibilities. Because those of you who have partnered with me have waited a long time to see God move the way He is about to.

Are you ready for it in your life? By partnering with me, you have opened the crazy God box in your own life. God is about to explode through our nice little stained glass windows of who we thought He was with the reality of who He is. The Beloved One that was so captured by a man's heart, the man never knew death. The Mighty One that used an abused child to run a nation and save His chosen. The Beautiful One that captured the heart of a pagan King by partnering with an orphan from his chosen people. The Deliverer that worked with a handicapped man to lead a nation out of captivity. Enoch, Joseph, Esther, and Moses.

This is the One I search for. Over and over. My heart longs to see the one I read about, the one I pray to, the one I worship, the one I live and breath for.

I am no longer suited for this reality. My heart has been far too exposed to the place I come from. I am ruined, FOREVER RUINED!, by the One I love and will chase Him to the ends of the earth if only to catch a glimpse. And we get to go together, you and me. For one is to sow and one is to reap and yet both get credit for the same harvest. Partners in work and partners in play. Whatever I begin to see and experience, I expect you to begin to see and experience.

In eager anticipation I await your ruin as well.
To be forever ruined by One Who is crazy in love with you.

Melchizedek

I woke up early today not really eagerly anticipating the 9 hour drive across the plains of Kansas. It took me at least 30 minutes to figure out why EVERY gas station had the Wizard of Oz playing.
At one of our many gas station stops someone noticed a bumper sticker on my car that involved being mystical. She got all excited and asked us who was the mystical one. I spoke up and said I was. She asked what that meant and I replied that I was really into the supernatural. Again she got all excited and said she was too. I asked her what she was into and she said, "Shamanism!" and I replied,"That's great!"

The conversation continued.

I asked her what got her into shamanism and she was obviously touched by the question taking a few moments to answer. "Inanimate objects speaking to me", she said. "Whoa! That's awesome.", I replied.
She in turn asked me the same question.

At this moment I just want to let everyone know that inside I am scrambling and freaking out all at the same time. How do I offer salt to cause her to be thirsty for Jesus, without pelting her with scripture?

I told her I was really into atmospheres and I could sense beings around me. I went on to tell her I was attending a supernatural school for 10 months to learn more. She was very impressed that I would "be on base" for 10 months learning more about the supernatural. I told her these type of gifts ran in my family and how nice it was to get a different perspective. She in turn told me they were on their way to a 3 day Shamanism conference in Utah.

We began to end our conversation and she asked if she could give me her card. Of course I said yes. We said our goodbyes and both of us took off.

So I took her card out and Ramona and I totally freaked out as we read it.

She was a Priestess of Shamanism.

That was Thursday.

We decided it would be totally awesome of our business cards said

Priestess of the order of Melchizedek.

Distant Echoes

I have spent the past day in Kansas City and knew I wouldn't have hours to spend in the prayer room at the International House of Prayer. So I slipped in around 10 tonight just to spend a little time with the One I Love.

The group playing was pretty good. They were playing a song and began to worship and enter in a bit. Then they just began to play. The sound they were making was incredible! It was 3 simple keys over and over but the effect they had on was fantastic. So I begin to ask the Lord what the sound was. So He told me. It was such a capturing sound, one that resounded deep within and caused your spirit to respond. The Lord said that the sound I was hearing them play was Him whipsering destinies that echoed into eternity before He created the earth. He then began to show me how these whispers echo and many people can't hear them. Then He showed me those that could hear the echoes of their own destinies! They would reach up and the echoes would roll over them like ripples in a lake. As these people grabbed hold of their destinies it began to change things all around them because a sound was released by them grabbing hold of their destinies.

This happened for about 20 minutes. I was allowing the sound to completely swallow me and speak to who God created me to be.
I heard the distant echoes of my destiny bouncing off of eternity.
I hope you are listening for yours.

The Adventure

I am headed cross country with only enough money to reach the other side. The school I am road tripping to, doesn't even let people in if they don't have the money for tuition by this time. While saying goodbye to my dad he said, "If you decide to live in Seattle for a while, just let us know."

Again, can I just reiterate that I have headed across country with only enough money to get to a school that might not let me in?I have just spent several hours talking with my travel partner, Crazy Faith Lady Ramona Michelle. A friend I am grateful to have on the road with me. We are going to see some crazy stuff and I can't wait to be able to share it.

The song in my head all day on Sunday was,
"I have decided to follow Jesus. No turning back, no turning back."

See you on Facebook

I leave for Canada in 36 hours and I said my first goodbye.